for the working mama from the mama no longer working...

I wrote this blog post in October of last year while I was 6ish months pregnant.. Edited it in February of this year right after my son was born. And edited it again in May as I worked through some really tough issues with our childcare situation. I would read it on hard days, debate posting...ultimately decide against it. I would read it on good days, and close the browser feeling a mixture of frustration and empowerment. 

I feel like I can post it now. I can finally share some rawness behind the feeling that is so hard to put into words around the subject of being a working parent. I can finally feel it appropriate because I’m on the other side. I’m on the other side, but I can still so deeply relate to the struggle of what working mama’s face, every day. It’s still so comfortable for me. And I read it now, tonight, after one HELLUVA day home with both kiddos...as I’m feeling defeated, annoyed, angry. Only to realize how incredibly blessed I am and selfish I’m acting. Hold on to your britches.

Oh working mamas/mamas-to-be, we've been given such an impossible task.

I'm not talking about the morning sickness, the hormones, the acne, the never-ending fatigue, the Dysgeusia, the increased mucus in your sinuses leaving you with a 40 week cold/upper respiratory mess, the back pain, the weight gain, the stretch marks, or the super real pregnancy brain.

I'm not talking about the swelling, the inability to find anything that fits or looks remotely flattering, the magic act of your feet disappearing, or the sacrifice of A GOOD pedicure/foot massage on said phantom feet. The Pinocchio pregnancy nose, the dry skin, the cold/lukewarm baths, the fixed sleep position of staying on your left side. No, none of that. 

I'm not talking about the constant desire to eat all the food, the restraint to be mindful of food choices, the withholding from a glass of wine or your favorite Thomas Creek brew, the poking, the prodding, the tasty glucose drink, or the gestational diabetes [for us lucky ones]. 

I'm not talking about the Braxton Hicks, the constipation, the inability to settle on a name, the Pinterest guilt lingering over nursery decor plans, the judgment from other moms, the anxiety before every ultrasound, the fear of the unknown, the possibility of HELLP Syndrome, chromosomal abnormalities, cholestasis, chorioamnionitis, pre-term labor, the chance that the one doctor you can't stand will be on call the night of your delivery...

I'm not even talking about the fact that you are literally, in every sense of the word, growing a human inside of you, and then pushing it out of you. A brain, a heart, a spine, limbs, facial features, a liver, kidneys, lungs...fingernails. I'm not talking about the bladder kicks once those limbs have formed or the fact that you sneeze pee, cough pee, laugh pee, or just plain pee... with no warning or control. 

Furthermore, I'm not even talking about all of the above in combination with having a full-time job. Maintaining our energy, stamina, brain power, motivation, image [cringe]...all while preparing a separate plan of how things will be handled in your absence once your 40 weeks near an end. 

Nor am I talking about the post-partum hormones, the rushed evenings after returning to work, as rough as they may be. The missed school performances because of meetings, the take out that has to substitute home-cooked meals so that there is time for bathtime and just one book before bed. The guilt you feel over trusting someone else to raise your child during the day and the constant questioning of yourself when things don't go perfectly at daycare/school. The decision of coming in super early, missing "wake-up time", in order to be able to take her to an early tot dance class.  Although those things are incredibly difficult on a mama's heart, those are not impossible tasks. At least not what I consider impossible tasks. With faith, prayer, good community, and perseverance, I truly believe those things we can accomplish/overcome. 

The impossible task placed in front of us is overcoming the systemic roadblock set up that tries to make us fail. Policy fails us. Equal Opportunity fails us. Expectations are unattainable, companies are too number-driven, and America is way too far behind [and ignorant]. The poor system forces our hand to choose between growing our family and growing our careers, fail at being able to financially provide for our family while we heal/care for our newborn, fail at being present for our family to ensure flawless productivity reports, fail at maintaining choices for our children tohat are important to us [i.e. breastfeeding], fail at being the PTA mom or the class mom, or heck, even the considerate mom who can remember to check on your daughter's friend's family who may be going through a tough time. We have a system that sets us up for so much failure, abiding by the bare minimum to be considered "legally compliant." 

Legally compliant ≠ ethical.

It's easy to blame it on the system, on social media, on our government, and on our country. But the reality is, discrimination against working moms goes beyond that. It hits closer to home for most and is hiding in the shadows of our cubicles and in the eyes of those who just don't get it. And until that changes, nothing will. Sure, the government could implement paid maternity leave and all of us working and reproducing mamas would shout a hearty hallelujah. We'd actually be able to make ends meet and have some cash flow for the never-ending hospital bills..we'd be able to focus more on baby and ourselves than on ways to cut costs while you're without income. We'd be able to stop worrying about having no sick days/vacation days when we return to work in case the baby gets sick and needs to stay home. Which, news flash, happens all of the time. Especially for kids in daycare. 

I've been doing a lot of reading on this subject, and in combination with real conversations with people that I know, proves this is a rising issue, happening way more often than not. 

Disclaimer: the below are not subject to personal experience. They are, however, real experiences of real women, who shall remain anonymous.

1. A mom-to-be who had struggled with infertility was told during an annual performance evaluation that she needed to evaluate her goals and what she really wanted. Choices being to grow her family, or to be considered for the promotion at work...after all, the department couldn't have someone in this position out for three months [i.e. maternity leave]. APPALLING. 
2. A place of business told a nursing [new] mom they were required to pump off the clock, and make up the time by staying later in the day to ensure a 40 hour work week for productivity reports. "We have to justify keeping your position full-time.." Suggestion given: come in on Saturday to make up for the time lost. Thus taking away even more time from her baby at home in the evenings and on the weekends. For those that don't know, it takes about 30 minutes per pumping session/2-3 pumping sesssions per 8 hour work day [depending on your supply]. That totals 1.5 hours per day, 7.5 hours per week to make up. ABSURD.
3. A company decided to switch insurance providers, and a mom-to-be who had put in years of service, was mid-pregnancy at the switch of the calendar year. New insurance determined that since she got pregnant in the previous calendar year, under her old insurance provider, they considered this a pre-existing condition. Therefore, no coverage for delivery. Fortunately, I think pre-existing conditions are now a thing of the past; this was an older scenario. That's some progress...
4. A pregnant woman was recruited for an open position based on her amazing work performance. She interviewed for the position and was asked her due date. She got the job [seems like we're making strides in the right direction, eh?]...but under one condition: she start before her due date. Therefore, losing all insurance coverage for the remainder of her pregnancy + her delivery. The elimination period [first 90 days worked] would fall during her due date, therefore, she would have no coverage or vacation time or ability to file a short-term disability claim to receive even just half of her pay while on FMLA. Since she could not accommodate their requests, she was denied the position.
5. A mom-to-be lost her child during delivery, all to be questioned by her boss why maternity leave was still necessary. DISGUSTING.
6. A mom-to-be had no office to pump for her newborn after returning to work, but desired to keep their child on breastmilk. She was told to go to the restroom to pump/sanitize pump parts or switch to formula. JUST GROSS.
7. A nursing mom was questioned by her boss "How long are you going to keep this up? It's getting ridiculous.." SERIOUSLY?
8. The Department of Labor limits couples who work for the same employer to a total combined 12 weeks of FMLA in any given 12 month period. Therefore, if the husband were to take a single week of 'vacation' to help his wife after delivery, she gets less time at home. God forbid that woman to have to have a C-section and be unable to lift the baby/climb stairs. WHAT.A.JOKE.
9. A single mother was suddenly 'told' to stay after normal business hours for executive meetings that were determined to be held in the evenings every few weeks. Her child's daycare closes at 6pm. The meetings begin at 5:45pm. 'That's her problem.'
10. A working mom finally goes out for Girls Night. Such a treat...or it should be. Until someone asks who keeps your child during the day. "Oh she's in daycare while we work." Que the criticism. "My child will never go to daycare...that's got to be so hard on kids...never seeing their mom. No job is worth giving up time with your baby." GIRL...

Those are just listing a few. Those things...aside from everything else we face as mothers...is the impossible task that we feel the weight of every day. Shaking it off, overcoming it, advocating for change, standing up for what's right...while keeping our job. It is lack of policy, but it's more lack of respect from our peers, superiors, subordinates, fellow women (come on now!)...we are not fragile. We are working mamas, which is the total opposite. We have a subtle strength that makes us capable of just about anything. We die to our own desires every day to show up, work hard, and provide for our family. I would be overjoyed to have a working mother on my team. The ability to juggle all of the above...and want to work speaks so much louder than the shame trying to drown out our voice.

It seems impossible to satisfy the corporate agenda with the standards placed before us. It seems impossible to be a good, working mom when systems and policies make it so.much.harder. Hello...pregnancy is hard enough...MOTHERHOOD is hard enough. There are days I've felt mediocre. But good? I don't have time to feel like a good mom. But I love my job. I love working. I love the outlet that a career provides for me to be better at home and in my mind. 

I'm sure some people reading this are now saying to themselves, "oh that feminist...it's all 'Me Too and a can of worms.'" A. you're either a man [no offense] or B. don't have kids yet. And that's okay that you can't relate. I don't write this to preach to the choir. Other working mamas already know this, they're living it. I write about it because it's such a problem and people don't realize it's a problem. 

I do not consider myself a feminist, by all means. I don't consider myself on one specific end of the political spectrum; I'm in what I consider the Purple Party...Republican with shades of Blue. I don't automatically assume every woman that cries sexual assault is telling the truth. Nor do I want every man ever accused to rot in jail. There are bad men, who do bad things, but there are also bad women, who also do bad things. So sue me. 

I will not march in a feminist protest, wear the pink hat, or write obscenities on a sign expecting change. I will never choose the woman running for office because of her gender, and though I believe marriage is intended for a man and a woman based on my spiritual beliefs, I am happy for my homosexual friends who have found love and will love them not based on their sexual orientation/identification, but because Christ has called me to love my neighbor. Who am I to judge? I do not get worked up about all of this because 'I AM WOMAN' or because I am a liberal activist for equality - I'm not. I'm simply a woman who has felt the pressure of this issue. A woman with friends who have been treated unfairly for the very reason of being pregnant/having children. A woman who has personally been judged by a number of people for my decision to work and grow my family. Of all the things Americans argue about, why isn't this one of them? I feel like America should be here by now, adopting policies around paid maternity and paternity leave the way other countries have done. 

Change is what feels impossible. I feel you, working mamas. I share in your frustration. I share in your anger. I share in your daily defeat, as well as rejoice with you in daily victories of 'making it through.' We must persevere in hopes that change will come to the nasty stigma circulating the female workforce. 

Mom on, working mama. Do your thing. You are a valuable asset and are worth far more than your [pregnancy] weight in gold. Stand up for yourselves, for your children, your family, and for your career. Working makes us better moms, and motherhood makes us better employees, whether that is clear to our broken system or not. 

xoxo

my safer switches

Switching to safer is a process. It can be a quick one, but for me and my family, it has been a slow, yet intentional, process. We have had to be strategic about our switches because, let's be honest...money. Note the words intentional...and strategic, not expensive and impossible.  My husband is a financial analyst, professionally & figuratively speaking. He analyzes everything. Grocery shopping with him is maddening. He evaluates cost per fluid ounce to guarantee he is getting the best deal, down to the penny. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that about him. But you can imagine his hesitation when "safer" doesn't always mean "cheaper." In fact, safer is almost guaranteed to not be the cheapest option out there...hallelujah for that.

Same goes for dieting and eating healthier. Who actually spends less at Zoes than they do at McDonalds? At Whole Foods versus Bi-Lo? It all comes down to what you deem as valuable. Eating healthy produces benefits that eating junk does not. Thinner waistlines, fewer pounds, higher energy, better cholestrol, reduced blood pressure, clearer mindset. Same concept goes for safer beauty/personal care. Clearer skin, balanced hormones, reduced organ toxicity, less exposure to cancer-causing ingredients, fewer flare-ups and allergen exposures. Loading your body with carbs + trans fats + sugar + preservatives won't produce positive results. Neither will covering your largest organ (your skin) with formaldehyde, hormone disruptors, allergens, carcinogens, and trade secrets protected by law that prohibit you from even knowing what else. Even when you ASK.

I was done making excuses about my acne. I was tired of unexplained hormone imbalance. I was tired of my daughter constantly scratching at her eczema. I was tired of apologizing for my son’s ichothyosis vulgaris just when I would introduce him to people...knowing they were starring at his peeling dry skin. I was OVER being poked, prodded, cut, and stitched to remove skin cancers from my body. I find value in safer alternatives so that I can deal with these things less. WORRY LESS.

My faith in Jesus makes me aware that we are not in control of our circumstances. I don’t believe that using safer products will guarantee I don’t get cancer one day. Just as I am fully aware eating healthy doesn’t guarantee you won’t have a heart attack. Or non-smokers won’t get lung cancer. Our world is a result of the Fall...we are all wasting away. My passion for safer does not negate the fact that the Lord is sovereign over all things, and His plan will unfold, no matter what. Sin is everywhere, disease is everywhere, death happens, we suffer, we struggle. Unfortunately, even Christians, especially Christians, aren’t guaranteed an easy, disease-free life on this side of Heaven. Why else do we need Jesus? I am not striving towards unachievable, tangible perfection. That can only be obtained when Jesus comes back for me. But my body is a temple, and I can take care of what He’s entrusted to me, making good choices for me and mine until that Glorious Day when my body is made new.

I get asked often what switches I've made, so as promised, I have composed a list [with links] for anyone who may like to use it as reference as they begin to consider safer alternatives. I have made more progress than Nick. I'm slowly switching the skeptic to safer...just takes longer..

Me:

Shampoo: Avalon Organics
Body Wash: Beautycounter Citrus Mimosa Body Bar
Shaving Cream: Beautycounter Not a Knot Kids Conditioner
Lotion: Countermatch Adaptive Body Moisturizer
Make Up Remover Wipes: Cest Moi Gentle Makeup Remover Wipes
Face Wash: Beautycounter Charcoal Cleansing Bar - this is a super product; used for umteen thousand things!
Skin Care/Moisturizer: Countercontrol Regimen
Spot Treatment/Acne Care: Beautycounter No. 3 Balancing Facial Mask
Hyperpigmentation/Dark Spots: Beautycounter Overnight Resurfacing Peel
Eye Cream: Countermatch Eye Cream
Makeup Primer: Countercontrol Matte Effect Gel Cream OR Dew Skin Tinted Moisturizer in Light-Medium
Makeup: Beautycounter Flawless in Five: Beautycounter Tint Skin Hydrating Foundation in Linen, Touchup Skin Concealer Pen, Satin Powder Blush in Sorbet, Volumizing Mascara, Color Define Brow Pencil, Beautycounter Lipgloss; Bronzer: Mineral Fusion Bronzer ordered on Amazon
Nail Polish: cote
Toothpaste: JASON
Hairspray: Loma
Deodorant: Jury's still out on this one; currently using Toms

Nick:

Shampoo: Beautycounter Daily Shampoo
Body Wash: Counterman Charcoal Body Bar
Lotion: Hydrating Body Lotion in Citrus Mimosa (chuckle)
*He doesn't wash his face*
Face Lotion: Counterman Oil Free Face Lotion

Kids:

Bath: Baby Gentle All-Over Wash (Fields); Kids Bath Collection (Reaves)
Lotion: Baby Daily Protective Balm and Baby Soothing Oil
*I occassionally use Aveeno Baby Daily Moisturizer if necessary (EWG rating of 2)*

My rule of thumb for EWG ratings when using products that are not EWG-verified, "4 or more, OUT THE DOOR." So I will occassionally use a 1, 2, or 3 if it's a product that I have to have.

Diaper Cream: Baby Calming Diaper Rash Cream

Family:

Sunscreen: Countersun Mineral Sunscreen (Mist)
SunBURN: Cleansing Balm - this is also a super product; used for umteen thousand things!
Bugspray: Greenerways Organic Bugspray
Hand Sanitizer: doTERRA
Hand Lotion: Beautycounter Hand Cream

 Household:

Dish soap: Better Life
Multi-purpose cleaner: I make my own with vinegar, water, and baking soda
Laundry Detergent: Molly's Suds
Stain Remover: Beautycounter Charcoal Bar or hand soap + the sun :)
Hand soap: Everyone
Static/Dryer Sheets: NONE. I use Wool Dryer Balls instead


We still have a ways to go on Household Cleaners. We have started diffusing essential oils, and only purchasing Soy candles. I've determined the brands we will buy, but again, we are not wasteful people...so we will be using up our remaining cleaners before purchasing safer for those. All about doing better, not being perfect. 

eczema + hormones

Eczema + hormones. Those two, very real and very frustrating, things have been both a nuisance and a saving grace for me and my family. Those two things have equally brought great turmoil to past cirumstances, but also great joy and gratitude to current ones. Those two things, though such a pain when you're in the weeds, generated my initial interest in safer. For that, I am so thankful.

Eczema.

My daughter has deep, ginger familial roots. Ergo, she has uber sensitive skin. I knew our kids' skin would be sensitive when I fell in love with my husband, a pale, freckled ginger himself (such a handsome one, I might add). Around the time my daughter turned one, she had struggled with rashes, molluscum contagiosum, and eczema. 

My hair stylist, and now business mentor, had joined the safer movement with Beautycounter and I was intrigued by her posts. Let me stop and state for the record that I had never, ever cared about ingredients. I had never checked a label. I did not care. And I had my reservations about independent consultants [transparency, right?!] But her posts were interesting. So I ordered some of the Baby Gentle All-Over Wash. Why not, right?

Holy cow. The tiny little bumps on her arms and legs + her eczema cleared up after just two uses. I was impressed, but it still didn't push me to switch her wash permanently, because the second we ran out, I quickly picked up what was on sale at Walmart. All these years later, I'm cringing as I even write that. 

Hormones. 

For more than 15 years, I have struggled with my skin. Cystic acne...the really painful, really swollen, really red, really ugly kind. I spent so. much. money trying to treat it [or cover it]. Some products would work for a while, while others wouldn't work at all. I would become immune to the ones that seemed to make my skin look better overtime, then try new regimens, which I would also eventually become immune to as well. It was an endless cycle with only temporary results, wasted money, and complete oblivion that I was causing so much harm to my body. 

It wasn't rocket science to figure out that my acne was hormonal, but no doctor ever discussed that with me. So I just dealt with it. I spent more money to cover it up since treating it felt impossible. 

Considering I had been so pleased with the baby wash for Reaves, I decided to try the Beautycounter Charcoal Bar when my hair stylist threw out a bulk order opportunity. Sign me up! Why not? It's $26...I've already spent over $2600. Let's do it. Side note: to this day...I have not let that bar run out. Just saying. It is my jam. 

The bar works miracles, but it's not a miracle product...it wasn't a one and done purchase that was going to magically solve all of my acne problems. Wait, what? You mean, I'm not guaranteed to never have acne again, have a perfect complexion, hit the lottery, and look like Carrie Underwood by a $26 purchase? Some people expect that. Heck, I probably expected that in the beginning. However, I switched nothing else at the time. Call it laziness, ignorance, cheap, maybe all of the above. But I kept complaining. Complaint without action is just annoying. And my husband very quickly made me realize that. 

Nick and I had Reaves without much effort. I swear he looked at me wrong [or, right, haha] and I got pregnant with her it happened so fast. But when we tried for number 2, it wasn't happening. I had multiple tests run, and because that story is super long, I will sum it up by saying that my hormone levels were in the post-menopausal range. I was 29 years old.

That moment jolted me. How, at 29, were my hormones THAT out of whack? Beautycounter was born for reasons like this, and so many others...

So I made moves. I reached back out to my consultant. I started with my makeup bag. I did a clean swap. Threw just about everything out and replaced it with the Flawless in Five essentials. That same month, I added the Countercontrol regimen into my skincare routine, which at that time only consisted of the Charcoal Bar, and changed our laundry detergent. It didn't take long before the outward improvements started. Then I got to work. Not yet as a consultant, but as my own advocate. I started educating myself, checking labels, looking up ratings on the EWG. Asking questions. Choosing safer. Knowing better. Doing better. 

Finally, my consultant saw how on fire I was for this mission. She saw the work I was putting in for myself. She could see my heart in my posts about my safer journey. So she invited me in. My husband encouraged me. What an amazing opportunity. 

A week after I signed up as a consultant, I visited my aesthetician. She informed me that most of the redness on my face that I've been mistaking for acne/scars was really hyperpigmentation...the result of trauma to my skin. I asked questions, and her answers jolted me, again. Side note: We have never talked about Beautycounter. Based on the color and location of my hyperpigmentation, she said that this was most likely caused by excess production of melanin, a side effect of hormone disrupting ingredients in personal care products. 

We don't know what we don't know. I learned the hard way. Years of not checking labels, layering and lathering EDTA, PEGs, phthalates, parabens, oxybenzone, and MORE onto my skin, unaware of the damage I was doing, even in seasons where my skin appeared to have improved. I have a long way to go. It will take a while to completely get rid of my hyperpigmentation. But now I know I am not causing any additional damage to my skin. 

Today, my hormone levels are in normal range, and our second child is 5 months old. 

Joy. Gratitude. I am advocating for a mission that is changing my life, my family's life. I am educating people I care about. I am not just selling lipstick. I am not just an independent consultant for another beauty company. I am a voice in this movement, and I am proud to link arms with like-minded women [and men] to ignite fire around these issues in this industry. To make change. To make this world a little better. To help the next generation. To hopefully change the trajectory in the rising statistics of auto-immune disease, early puberty, infertility, cancer...

...and to turn this passion into a business. To earn an income educating others on how to choose better [notice I did not say choose Beautycounter]. Joy. Gratitude. 

A recent article circled around social media - "hotdogs, sunscreen, and other ways I'm messing up."And for a moment, I felt attacked, even though I know the article was not shared as a personal jab at me. I read the article, about longing for simplicity. Not worrying about carcinogens, organic choices, the dangers of sunscreen. Longing for yester-year..when these stressors weren't "a thing." An "I survived" mentality. Too much pressure from all of the not-so-perfect solutions out there. Suggestion that we're missing out on real moments by stressing over the "small stuff." After all, our moms did a great job.

I read the article again...and a third time. And truth is, I AGREE with her. We should not have to be stressed over this. We did survive. Our moms did do great. I'm not doubting that. We are doing our best. That's exactlty what this safer mission is about. It's not about stressing everyone out. It's not about pointing out the less than, but standing up for MORE, for better. Looking out for one another. It's about making people aware that you have the power to CHOOSE. We have a voice. A chance to make CHANGE. Change in legislature so the FDA can regulate these ingreidents so we don't have to for our families. THAT would be true simple living, don't you thnink? So I agree. That's why I press on in this mission. Because it does, all too often, feel like too much. Too much to have to check behind these companies to make sure what we are choosing is truly safe. We shouldn't have to do that. Safer should be more transparent. More accessible. More afforable. It should. But it's not. Not yet. But one day. Maybe one day it will. And I'm honored to be a part of that. With my clients, with my team, with Beautycounter, with the other clean beauty companies fighting alongisde us in this mission towards that goal. 

falling short

Finally back to my blog after a much needed [yet unintended] sabatical from writing...life. Baby Boy Keely [Fields Thomas, aka per his big sister, 'Brother Tripp'] arrived three weeks early, happy and healthy. More on his sweet self later.

I have five weeks remaining of maternity leave [WHAT!]...I can't believe we have survived a full 7 weeks of parenting two Keely kids. It's been tough, to say the very least. Babies are easy, but Big Sisters make you cuss a little [a lot]. 

Over the past seven weeks, I've been able to spend more time in the Word because I have fewer excuses, not for Satan's [Netflix's] lack of trying. As part of my quiet time in the mornings, I have been reading The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson, linked here, and it has been super challenging as I navigate through this season of survival. 

Parenting two kiddos, especially my two kiddos, surfaces all kinds of feelings of inadequacy. With Reaves, my maternity leave looked very different. I was showered in the mornings, drank hot coffee, pumped on time, the house was clean/organized, she had a beautifully structured schedule that I trained her well on, the laundry was done, and I was even able to check my work email one month prior to returning to work to filter what would need my immediate attention. 

With Fields, it's a completely different ballgame. There's more mess from a busy toddler. I am relying more on my husband to take care of the toddler because I'm tending to the baby. I’m two diaper changes away from mastitis. There’s more laundry because there are FOUR of us now...and we have a toddler in daycare - which means, germs, as well as an infant whose bowels work extremely well. I try to clean, organize, disinfect. But it's null and void everyday when the Toddler Tornado comes home. I shamefully admit I hardly have time to pee before 2pm, much less shower, because being awake and present before Reaves goes to school is important to me despite the all-nighters Fields enjoys. I heat my coffee up 5 times and Nick still finds it sitting in the microwave at 6pm, full to the rim and untouched.

Not to mention, these kids, though they both look just like their daddy, could not be any more different! Reaves slept. Fields doesn’t. Fields cries. Reaves didn’t. Fields is a hangry ginger meaning when he’s hungry, that red headed temper will be your alarm clock. Schedule or no schedule. Reaves had to be woken up to eat and we had to really work at getting enough ounces in to help her gain weight. Reaves loved to be swaddled. Fields? - “Dont come at me bro..” with anything other than  food or cuddles.

Praise be that I haven’t had any issues with PPD this time around  [read that journey here]. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t felt more inadequate with Baby 2.0  since I am, by nature, fueled by productivity...especially when it comes to our home. In the Mission of Motherhood I’m being reintroduced to Gods design for ‘woman,’ to which I’ve responded with extreme resistance given I’m a working mom who relies heavily on my husband to share responsibilities around the home. Our culture has warped Gods original design for women, and because I myself struggle with this idea...I won’t write about it. I’m not equipped to offer anything on the topic - we feel we need my income and I like my job. I’ve always wanted to work outside the home, and buck at any mention that this may be against Gods design. I’m not saying it is or it isn’t. I truly don’t know, and am navigating my way through Gods design for my life, searching for answers to many questions. Sally can offer more, so read her book!

At the end of each chapter, she includes moments for thought and reflection, offering challenges to try based on the chapter’s material. This morning I felt personally offended by what I had read. I was doomed to hell because I work, because Nick does our cooking, because I don’t measure up to the Proverbs 31 woman.

Not to mention, just last night, Reaves came home from school...and started looking for me. I called to her from the kitchen and she walked in confused when I told her I was cooking. She pushed on with "Mommy's cooking? Not daddy?" Hm. While there isn't anything wrong with Nick being the more gifted chef in our home, it kind of hurt that she noticed how unusual it was for me to provide a meal for my family. She must have been on a roll last night, because she later asked for milk and remembered we had run out. Nick responded to her, "no, Mommy bought some at the store today." Reaves response? Oh it was a good one. "By herseeeelf????" Little girl is way too old to be only almost three. 

With this fresh on my mind, I was on the defense this morning going into my quiet time reading about the role of a mother. I’m so focused on productivity and performance, it often clouds my vision of the gospel entirely. Sally's challenge was to make a list of ways you have sinned or rebelled against God for which you feel guilty, titling it Ways I Fall Short of God’s Standards. Hang on a second while I go grab a NOTEBOOK for this list, starting with #1 being that thinking I’m cool/powerful/holy enough to gain God’s approval through my performance. Yikes. After you make the list, look up 1 John 1:9:

“If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.”

Her challenge then tells you to ask God to wash your heart with his love and grace, rip up the paper, and throw it away, thanking Him that you are forgiven and will never have to be responsible for those sins again.

I did this challenge this morning and while the list was long, it allowed me to recognize issues in myself that I didn’t know existed. While I still don’t know how my life/circumstances align with Gods design for motherhood, I am thankful to have had a moment to consciously let those feelings of guilt and inadequacy go.

Now to heat this coffee for a sixth time and lather on the dry shampoo!

what not to expect when we're expecting

'Tis the season for all the things. The holiday festivities are among us. This is used to be my most favorite time of the year. At the beginning of this pregnancy, I was excited to be due in January [that was before I realized our deductible starts over]. I knew that by the third trimester, all of the holiday fun would be starting, so the home stretch would be sure to pass by quickly. But instead, I find myself incredibly overwhelmed.

I'm almost 8 months pregnant, which for me...naturally brings a lot of anxiety based on the events of my last pregnancy. Rather than get into those details, I'll just defer to my previous posts for that information. I will, however, state for the record that I know every pregnancy is different. This pregnancy has been so different [God's grace]...and I know I'm not guaranteed the same delivery. But the anxiety is still there. It's what my mind is naturally expecting to happen with Baby 2.0. Not to mention this time I also have a tiny tornado toddler to chase around, and pregnancy [plain and simple] sucks is just hard.

Without doubt, the holidays are different as a parent - and in many ways, they're almost more fun. I love seeing the joy [sometimes horror, because...Santa] all over our little girl's face. I love watching the wonder in her eyes as her imagination grows year to year. I love watching her gaze in awe at tacky Christmas light masterpieces, act silly while baking & decorating cookies & licking the spoon & singing Jingle Bells. I love watching her curiosity as she opens presents and listening to her interpretation of the real reason for the season. I love singing Happy Birthday Elmo Jesus with her and teaching her about this most special day. I love introducing her to classic Christmas movies and stuffing our face with popcorn & candy while we laugh uncontrollably. Those are all moments I want with my child. Selfishly, moments I don't really want to feel obligated to share with everyone else, every time.  However, I'm finding it so easy to neglect the time we enjoy the most as our own little unit in the midst an over-booked calendar, putting everyone else's expectations above our own.

It's overwhelming. It's heart-breaking. It's exhausting. It's one big guilt trip weighing on my already aching shoulders.

"Learn to say no. And learn that saying no is OKAY." - best advice I ever received before becoming a mom...yet also the hardest to put into action. That advice warrants a follow up question, HOW?

How do you do this? How do you disappoint everyone else because you need a weekend to do nothing and sleep just make memories [bake cookies, play dress up, eat breakfast] with your little family?

How do you justify open time on your calendar when asked if you're free when you really need 2 hours to catch up on 12 loads of laundry because you're a pregnant, working mom, that is trying her best to maintain just enough energy during the week to make sure her potty training daughter has enough clean panties? [asking for a friend, does turning them inside out count?]

The better advice is for everyone else. Expect less of expectant mamas. Expect less of new mamas. And be okay with hearing no. Cut us all some slack. Forgive us for needing to adjust dinner to an earlier time to accommodate our new [or current] lifestyle. Forgive us for needing to turn in before 2am...because 30 [and pregnant] is not the new 21. Our "no" has nothing to do with you. We still love you, we are trying. We don't need help. We just need understanding. If I could ask for only one thing this Christmas, that would be it. That's literally all that I want: slack, no strings attached; no mention of it in the future; no compromise; no trade of my time 2 weekends from now to "make up for what I've done,"; no guilt; no competition; no comparison of who else we're sharing time with; just understanding.

I am too tired, too fat, too swollen, too achey, stretched too thin [ha, pun intended], too responsible for my own child's well-being/activities to keep up with the tally of expected attendance. I don't want my children to look back on their youth & see the crazy rat race their parents had to run to satisfy everyone else's priorities, rather than seeing & feeling that we made them our priority. 

What Not to Expect When We're Expecting:

Prompt Texts/Replies
I'm sorry if my Happy Birthday text was a day belated. I worked 9 hours, had a parent/teacher meeting because my child took her shoes off [eye roll], fixed dinner, gave my daughter a bath, and ended up passing out in my daughter's bed as I sang her to sleep - all before I even took my bra work badge off. I woke up to pee, once, and move to my room, but honestly, I don't remember moving. Wake up, repeat. I didn't remember to text you.

Mental Clarity
This just straight up applies to all the things, all the time. I'm pretty sure I argued with my husband over a conversation we did have...[in my dream] three nights ago. How dare he not remember?

When Reaves was first born, my husband's family came over for Mother's Day, and I wished my sister-in-law a Happy Mother's Day. She doesn't have children and her cat had just passed away. I didn't think about it until the next week, at which it's too late to point out your idiotic statement without being awkward.

Perfect Attendance
I'm sorry if I had to pass on driving an hour and a half to have dinner at 6pm on Thursday night. I really wanted to be there, but I don't get off work until 5pm [earliest]. I wish I could leave early, but I have no PTO to spare - we will be struggling enough to make ends meet in 2 months when I'm on unpaid leave. I need every minute of what's in my balance.

I'm sorry if I need to push up the time of that thing we have, or if I have to leave early. I haven't seen many days past 9pm and I still need to fix my daughter's lunch for tomorrow, wash her nap mat, and ice my cankles. Also, stay up late or turn in early, my daughter without doubt will be up before 7am, so I have to be on my A-game regardless of the choice I make.

Saying No to Drugs
I'm sorry that I can't make that weekend trip out of town. I'm trying to stay close to home base just in case my fear of pre-term labor happens again. I need drugs - there is no "not making it in time for the epidural." And I refuse to have this baby in the car.

Equality in Time Management
I'm sorry that I visited with her last weekend and can't with you this weekend. I've been cramping, throwing up, have had headaches, and have continued being mom all week. Yes, we are free, but I need to rest. And because we were swamped last weekend, we didn't have much one on one time with her - so we need to set some aside this weekend to make her feel important/special. Also, she got in trouble this week at daycare & at home. Right now, it's in her best interest that we just not reward the behavior with a break from our rules.

Martha Stewart
I was debating this year on decorating for fall & Christmas. All I can think about is having to take it down mid-January, at 9.5 months pregnant [yes, men. Women are pregnant for a full 10 months] No thanks. I attempted for fall. I bought pumpkins - meh, didn't get around to the mums. I wrote on our standing chalkboard "Hello Pumpkin!" in our entryway...until Reaves smeared it with apple juice. It's still sitting there, smeared, "Hell umpkin." Nick did get down our Christmas decor last night, and I will attempt to at least put up a tree. But don't expect Martha's mountain cottage to make you feel fuzzy when you visit. Don't judge me if I choose to only put up the tree - and if only half of it is decorated. I will not ruin Reaves' childhood. I will not ruin Christmas. Christmas is about Jesus, not about decorations. Leave us alone about the mistletoe and Dollywood ornament that may or may not make it's way to the branch fluffed perfectly in the back.

Kindness Patience
I'm fresh out.

Selflessness
Everything about being pregnant/ a mom is selfless. There is no being selfish in motherhood, from the very moment you conceive. Your entire body is selflessly giving all of itself to growing this human. And postpartum, your time, brain, energy is 100% dedicated to said human. We are stretched thin with selflessness - it's all we are as mothers. Sometimes, I need to be selfish, so that I can bond with my baby and impact my child's life. I cannot be selfless with you. My selflessness [in this season] is consumed by my kids [and husband] right now. Check back when they're 18.

Bladder Control Physical Ability to Keep Up/Rage
My family has season tickets for Clemson games - and since I was born - this has been my most favorite fall tradition. Our seats are great - we can see everything, clearly. But they're high, meaning we climb about 50 stairs to get there. Which means 50 stairs down to go to the bathroom [hellooooo adult diapers], and 50 stairs back up. 50 stairs down when my toddler has to potty and 50 stairs back up when she decides it was a false alarm. 50 stairs when I'm hungry, and 50 stairs back to eat. Try that with a watermelon shoved in your uterus, and carrying a 25 lb toddler on your hip. Most days, it's so worth it for the experience that is Death Valley on game day. Needless to say, I over did it. I was in crazy pain after the walk to the stadium alone, and the stairs were the added bonus to my mini-panic attack of not being able to catch my breath. Reaves was also going through some GI issues, so long story short we left early. Like, before halftime, early. I felt terrible, though my parents were incredibly understanding. They weren't mad at all, but I still felt terrible ruining everyone else's night. Due to the risk of over-exerting myself, I'm skipping the CU vs USC game this weekend. After a visit to my doctor, he confirmed that I'm not having symptoms of pre-term labor, but I shouldn't try to either. I need to chill. I need to rest. I need to listen to my body. I need to know when too much is too much, before it's too much. That doesn't just apply to physical exertion  - but in every realm of the plans we're making over the next several months. So straight from the horse's mouth, I have permission to say no right now. Medical permission. 

Perfection
Every weekend is something during the holidays. And we want to be at all of it. After all, it has always been my most favorite time of the year. We will try to be present for all of it. But if we have to adjust some of those plans, or change/cancel some of those plans entirely, please understand. Please expect less. I am doing my absolute best. We are doing our absolute best. We are busy, but we are busy because we are trying so hard to provide, protect, and please. We make these choices so that we actually have something to give when we are present with those that matter to us. We may not be present in the way everyone would like us to be, but that's just where we are right now. 

So please, expect less. There will come a day when we can be super mom, with our minivans, and you can judge us whichever way you see fit, but these years are not it. This is not then. If you can't expect less, then I apologize in advance because a whole lot of disappointment is coming down the pipeline. Mamas are trying to forgive themselves and give grace to themselves when they fall short; don't kick us when we're already down. Grace is what all of us need in this season from others. I will fall short of your expectations this season, and probably next year as well. Maybe even the year after that. Give grace freely to an expectant mama or new mama this holiday season. We really are trying!

If You Give a Toddler a Potty Treat...

Labor Day weekend, we set out on the helladventure of Potty Training Bootcamp. I'm still trying to decide if this was bootcamp for our daughter learning to use the potty, or bootcamp for mommy and daddy learning survival of the fittest. Both, I believe, in our case. I think Rea did better than we did.

We looked at a variety of methods, and asked a lot of rockstar parents we know what worked well for them. We decided to use a super intense 3-day method, that, for us, worked wonders (with one major caveat). I'm sure many methods work, we just happened to decide on this one given our current work/daycare situation. Time isn't something we have a ton of in our house, unfortunately.

A glimpse (ha, or gaze) into the method we used:

1. Three full days at home - attention 100% on our toddler. This means no cleaning, no Netflix binging, no hours of chores, no errands, no eating out, no church, no...anything. We were supposed to prepare meals in advance (ha), wash up all clothes beforehand, etc. Basically, the perfect quest for cabin fever.
2. No diapers/pull-ups, at all. Rea threw her diapers away in bulk (knife in the gut for cheap parents like myself). We did this same thing with pacis; let her throw them away, and it worked. She is a visual learner that loves control :) 
3. We purchased several pairs of fun undies and got her super excited about them for weeks leading up to the big weekend. We let her choose what colors, let her look with us online, opened the Amazon package together, etc. It was fun for her and made "potty training" something to look forward to.
4. We never asked her if she had to go potty. We simply kept repeating every 10-15 minutes, "if you need to potty, tell mommy or daddy." Control was hers (possibly mistake #1). We knew she would associate being asked with going to the toilet, and we wanted her to be able to tell us when she had to go, versus us having to constantly be asking her for this to work. Great idea in theory...
5. We pushed tons of liquids. She's not a big drinker (I hope this stays true through her teenage years), so this was tough. But whatever she wanted....apple juice, Gatorade, milk, water...we let her have it.
6. We let her have accidents. Day 1 we had the most. We wanted her to understand the uncomfortable feeling so that she was encouraged to learn how to avoid it. 
7. We reduced the amount of fluids she had close to naptime. She pottied before naptime, and napped in her undies. This working mama needs to capitalize on the time spent on this one training lesson, so transitioning out of pullups/diapers for naps/nighttime later doesn't appeal to me. 
8. We also reduced fluids after dinner to just a few sips. We tweaked our nighttime routine to add in times in between for trying to potty. 
9. The method told us to wake her up an hour after she fell asleep to try pottying again, and wake her up an hour before usual for the same. We did not do this. Our child is a mastermind at stalling sleep - we were not about to lose any more of our sanity than what was already expected.
10. Positive Reinforcement: we may have overdone it. We gave small treats (skittles, etc.) when she would potty; larger treats (suckers, etc.) for numbers twos. We celebrated, high fived, and were super annoying everytime. It really did work. Girl loves to be praised. HOWEVER, this has been a dangerous spiral into a whole new issue weeks later.

Our findings: Potty Training, for us, is much like the If You Give A Mouse A Cookie books. If I wrote a book about our potty training outcome, it would definitely be titled, "If You Give A Toddler a Potty Treat.." 

If you give a toddler a potty treat, she's going to ask for more.

If you don't give her more, she'll sit back on the potty.

If she sits back on the potty, she will strain for 10 minutes.

If she strains for 10 minutes, she will stall getting dressed.

If she stalls getting dressed, mama and daddy will lose patience.

If mama and daddy lose patience, she will see how far she can push.

If she sees how far she can push, she will not go to bed.

If she does not go to bed, she will ask for a story.

If you read her a story, she will want another.

If you read her another, she will want to rock.

If you agree to rock her, she will want her babies.

If she wants her babies, she will decide she needs to feed them.

If she feeds her babies, she will be reminded she's thirsty. 

If she's reminded she's thirsty, she will ask for juice.

If she has some juice, she will have to potty.

And most likely, if she asks to go potty, 

mama and daddy's positive reinforcement will start the cycle all over again.

This has basically been our life for the past two weeks. And let me not forget to mention we tried treats that were not candy...like stickers, small toys she has forgotten about, etc. She looks at us like we're insane. We have been struggling to redirect her attention, maintain positive reinforcement, keep her teeth from rotting out of her head, and still get her to go to sleep before 10pm. No one told me it would be like this. No one. Accidents, lots of cleaning up pee, a million loads of laundry, sure. Not sleep regression, temperament changes, and total parenting defeat. Nope. All you parent friends of ours - you kept that one a secret. 

Unless it's just mine. Unless she is the exception and no other toddler goes through this. We have even been pulled aside by daycare about her "crying wolf" on the potty. Apparently, she's started quite the trend with her friends of faking it for sugar. I did always want her to become a leader, but not necessarily in a Resistance Movement. ALSO, if she doesn't get the potty treat, we are in full-blown meltdown mode. Buttons have been pushed that truly have made me consider letting her wear diapers forever. Heck, if I'm being totally honest, she'll need them again anyway in 28+ years once she's had her first child and bladder control is a thing of the past. 

Mamas, I'd appreciate tips, tricks, bribes (I am no longer against anything), discipline tactics, etc. to help us to get out of this cycle. We are tired. We are defeated. We are thrilled she can potty, but we are fed up with her tricks and feeling outsmarted. We. Are. Desparate. 

We took some advice from my brother and sister-in-law about starting a mantra, letting Reaves know that her only job is 1. to listen and obey, 2. be nice to everyone, and 3. have fun.

She loves the mantra, and talks with us about it daily. When we ask her, she can tell us what her jobs are.. we repeat them on the way to school, on the way to dance, at the dinner table, for the babysitter... and it really helps! Until she decides its for the birds, which is at least once a day. Then she gets tough. We have tried taking that mantra and turning her heart back to Jesus in those tough moments. 

I read an article once that parenting toddlers can reveal to us just how broken humans are from the time they come into the world...they are naturally going to grow frustrated, disobey, lie, test, and sin. It's our job as parents to redirect their hearts to Him. As Christians, raising children, this is our duty. We signed up for it when we became a believer, and when we decided to have kids. So we've tried to appropriately bring that wisdom into our discipline by talking about God desiring her to be good, honoring her mother and father, treating others with respect, telling the truth. He wants us to be good, and love others well, but when we mess up, we can ask for His forgiveness. She sends us into a rabbit hole of "whys". Sometimes, I get super stumped on how to answer a why question with anything other than "Because I said so..." or "because the Bible tells us so..." - but that justification just ain't enough for a 2-year-old. 

PSA: I feel like I am failing as a mom. 

My kid is lying. She is being disrepectful and sneaky. She is encouraging others to lie for reward (ok that's harsh, she's two). She's disobeying. She laughs and runs out of timeout. She bucks at the gospel (yet, don't we all). However, one of my favorite blogs, Risen Motherhood, puts it best by stating "I fumble awkwardly through parenting; freed by my weakness knowing that every moment of it is what qualifies me for salvation." Yaaas, Queen. I am also currently binging on Queer Eye on Netflix so every thought going through my mind is said with a Jonathan Van Ness hair flip and finger snap. 

I repeat this to myself daily, but I suppose I should also repeat it to myself for Reaves. Her weaknesses qualify her for salvation, and I just pray that God can capture her heart at a young age and transform it to one of love, kindness, and obedience.

big girl things

I’m having a moment. A moment of excitement, sadness, bittersweet pride, and mixed into all of that, my moment is being hijacked by pregnancy hormones multiplying it all by 100. My baby girl, now 28 months [I know it’s annoying to not just say “2”...but this is my moment], is spending her first night in her big girl room. We’ve spent the last three months thinking about the decorations, picking out her big girl bed, researching mattresses, and talking up the transition to get her excited about not just giving up her crib, but moving across the hall. Occasionally I had some anxiety and fear about the possibility she wouldn’t stay in her bed, would play all night, would fall out of her bed while asleep. Those are all fears I’m still having as we are only one hour in as I write this. 

I was excited. Ready. Excited and ready to re-organize her stuff, clean out stuff we don’t need, and begin putting together Baby Boy Keely’s nursery [Rea’s Old room]. Why we decided to do that on a Sunday night, when I have a super early work day tomorrow, versus a Friday night, I’ll never know. We do things bass ackards I guess. 

So today we did it. We put together her big girl room minus a few things were still waiting on to be shipped. And Rea loved helping. We went through her stuffies and divided up what she wanted to keep and what she wanted Baby Brother to have. Same with her books. It went really well. Surprisingly well. Brother is even getting to keep an Elmo. That’s huge. 

We tested out naptime and just as I expected, she didn’t really like being alone in a new room. So I laid down with her, and we both napped. She didn’t nap as easily or as long as she normally does in her crib, but I’ll take it. Still worried about the night...

We played the rest of the afternoon in the middle of the absolute mess that was our house after emptying out our only junk room to make way for her big girl things. Every time I would start to clean it up, she’d beg for my attention. “Mommy please play with me.” Ouch. So I complied, reminding myself of my present over perfect journey that I started at the beginning of this year. 

Bedtime came, and she started telling us how scary she thought her room was. Here it comes, I thought. No sleep for any of us tonight. We showed her the monitor, let her take turns watching us and talking to us through the other end, and even playing a version of Simon Says to make her understand that we can always see her and she can always talk to us through it. We read a few books and laid down together on her big girl mattress.

We have a “two” rule at our house. If you’re good, we’ll read two books, and [used to be] mommy will rock and sing for two minutes and daddy will rock and sing for two minutes. Then it’s bedtime. No negotiations. Our rocking chair is staying in baby’s room, and I didn’t realize just how sad that would make me. Instead of rocking, I laid with her and sang for two minutes, then left, while Nick laid and sang with her for two minutes. I was convinced it’d be an hour of crying before Nick came out of her room, but only two minutes later, I hear him shut her door and she hadn’t made a sound. 

She told Nick after his two minutes that she was still scared and that she’d feel safer if Mia stayed. So Mia is currently in there sleeping with her....I want to laugh, roll my eyes, and cry all at once. I started to clean up, RELIEVED she was fine, and realized I wasn’t. I put some stuff in Baby’s room, and got super emotional seeing the rocking chair. I didn’t rock my girl for the first time in 28 months. Oh these hormones are mean. This shouldn’t be getting to me like this. I decided to just stare at her through the monitor and I saw her start to get out of bed. Great. Here we go.. I showed Nick and just when I started to tell him to tell her to get back in the bed, he smiled. She had gotten out of bed to put her books back where they belong, crawled back in, and laid down. 

Bless. This. Sweet. Child. My heart is exploding. I am so proud of her for being brave, for listening, for being a big girl. But I’m so sad that she’s old enough to be so brave and do such big girl things. I am a mess over here thinking about how LONG the days feel but how short the years actually are. Thus my blog post...self-care. We are now an hour and fifteen minutes in, she’s asleep...in her bed. Has not cried. Has not played. Has not screamed or tried to negotiate.

I am fully aware that this could be beginners luck and we will without doubt run into our fair share of frustration with getting her to settle down in the future when a big girl bed offers so much freedom. But for now, I am so so proud, and so so sad that my baby girl is growing up!