I'm almost 8 months pregnant, which for me...naturally brings a lot of anxiety based on the events of my last pregnancy. Rather than get into those details, I'll just defer to my previous posts for that information. I will, however, state for the record that I know every pregnancy is different. This pregnancy has been so different [God's grace]...and I know I'm not guaranteed the same delivery. But the anxiety is still there. It's what my mind is naturally expecting to happen with Baby 2.0. Not to mention this time I also have a tiny tornado toddler to chase around, and pregnancy [plain and simple] sucks is just hard.
Without doubt, the holidays are different as a parent - and in many ways, they're almost more fun. I love seeing the joy [sometimes horror, because...Santa] all over our little girl's face. I love watching the wonder in her eyes as her imagination grows year to year. I love watching her gaze in awe at
It's overwhelming. It's heart-breaking. It's exhausting. It's one big guilt trip weighing on my already aching shoulders.
"Learn to say no. And learn that saying no is OKAY." - best advice I ever received before becoming a mom...yet also the hardest to put into action. That advice warrants a follow up question, HOW?
How do you do this? How do you disappoint everyone else because you need a weekend to do nothing and
How do you justify open time on your calendar when asked if you're free when you really need 2 hours to catch up on 12 loads of laundry because you're a pregnant, working mom, that is trying her best to maintain just enough energy during the week to make sure her potty training daughter has enough clean panties? [asking for a friend, does turning them inside out count?]
The better advice is for everyone else. Expect less of expectant mamas. Expect less of new mamas. And be okay with hearing no. Cut us all some slack. Forgive us for needing to adjust dinner to an earlier time to accommodate our new [or current] lifestyle. Forgive us for needing to turn in before 2am...because 30 [and pregnant] is not the new 21. Our "no" has nothing to do with you. We still love you, we are trying. We don't need help. We just need understanding. If I could ask for only one thing this Christmas, that would be it. That's literally all that I want: slack, no strings attached; no mention of it in the future; no compromise; no trade of my time 2 weekends from now to "make up for what I've done,"; no guilt; no competition; no comparison of who else we're sharing time with; just understanding.
I am too tired, too fat, too swollen, too achey, stretched too thin [ha, pun intended], too responsible for my own child's well-being/activities to keep up with the tally of expected attendance. I don't want my children to look back on their youth & see the crazy rat race their parents had to run to satisfy everyone else's priorities, rather than seeing & feeling that we made them our priority.
What Not to Expect When We're Expecting:
Prompt Texts/Replies
I'm sorry if my Happy Birthday text was a day belated. I worked 9 hours, had a parent/teacher meeting because my child took her shoes off [eye roll], fixed dinner, gave my daughter a bath, and ended up passing out in my daughter's bed as I sang her to sleep - all before I even took my
Mental Clarity
This just straight up applies to all the things, all the time. I'm pretty sure I argued with my husband over a conversation we did have...[in my dream] three nights ago. How dare he not remember?
When Reaves was first born, my husband's family came over for Mother's Day, and I wished my sister-in-law a Happy Mother's Day. She doesn't have children and her cat had just passed away. I didn't think about it until the next week, at which it's too late to point out your idiotic statement without being awkward.
Perfect Attendance
I'm sorry if I had to pass on driving an hour and a half to have dinner at 6pm on Thursday night. I really wanted to be there, but I don't get off work until 5pm [earliest]. I wish I could leave early, but I have no PTO to spare - we will be struggling enough to make ends meet in 2 months when I'm on unpaid leave. I need every minute of what's in my balance.
I'm sorry if I need to push up the time of that thing we have, or if I have to leave early. I haven't seen many days past 9pm and I still need to fix my daughter's lunch for tomorrow, wash her nap mat, and ice my cankles. Also, stay up late or turn in early, my daughter without doubt will be up before 7am, so I have to be on my A-game regardless of the choice I make.
Saying No to Drugs
I'm sorry that I can't make that weekend trip out of town. I'm trying to stay close to home base just in case my fear of pre-term labor happens again. I need drugs - there is no "not making it in time for the epidural." And I refuse to have this baby in the car.
Equality in Time Management
I'm sorry that I visited with her last weekend and can't with you this weekend. I've been cramping, throwing up, have had headaches, and have continued being mom all week. Yes, we are free, but I need to rest. And because we were swamped last weekend, we didn't have much one on one time with her - so we need to set some aside this weekend to make her feel important/special. Also, she got in trouble this week at daycare & at home. Right now, it's in her best interest that we just not reward the behavior with a break from our rules.
Martha Stewart
I was debating this year on decorating for fall & Christmas. All I can think about is having to take it down mid-January, at 9.5 months pregnant [yes, men. Women are pregnant for a full 10 months] No thanks. I attempted for fall. I bought pumpkins - meh, didn't get around to the mums. I wrote on our standing chalkboard "Hello Pumpkin!" in our entryway...until Reaves smeared it with apple juice. It's still sitting there, smeared, "Hell umpkin." Nick did get down our Christmas decor last night, and I will attempt to at least put up a tree. But don't expect Martha's mountain cottage to make you feel fuzzy when you visit. Don't judge me if I choose to only put up the tree - and if only half of it is decorated. I will not ruin Reaves' childhood. I will not ruin Christmas. Christmas is about Jesus, not about decorations. Leave us alone about the mistletoe and Dollywood ornament that may or may not make it's way to the branch fluffed perfectly in the back.
I'm fresh out.
Selflessness
Everything about being pregnant/ a mom is selfless. There is no being selfish in motherhood, from the very moment you conceive. Your entire body is selflessly giving all of itself to growing this human. And postpartum, your time, brain, energy is 100% dedicated to said human. We are stretched thin with selflessness - it's all we are as mothers. Sometimes, I need to be selfish, so that I can bond with my baby and impact my child's life. I cannot be selfless with you. My selflessness [in this season] is consumed by my kids [and husband] right now. Check back when they're 18.
My family has season tickets for Clemson games - and since I was born - this has been my most favorite fall tradition. Our seats are great - we can see everything, clearly. But they're high, meaning we climb about 50 stairs to get there. Which means 50 stairs down to go to the bathroom [hellooooo adult diapers], and 50 stairs back up. 50 stairs down when my toddler has to potty and 50 stairs back up when she decides it was a false alarm. 50 stairs when I'm hungry, and 50 stairs back to eat. Try that with a watermelon shoved in your uterus, and carrying a 25 lb toddler on your hip. Most days, it's so worth it for the experience that is Death Valley on game day. Needless to say, I over did it. I was in crazy pain after the walk to the stadium alone, and the stairs were the added bonus to my mini-panic attack of not being able to catch my breath. Reaves was also going through some GI issues, so long story short we left early. Like, before halftime, early. I felt terrible, though my parents were incredibly understanding. They weren't mad at all, but I still felt terrible ruining everyone else's night. Due to the risk of over-exerting myself, I'm skipping the CU vs USC game this weekend. After a visit to my doctor, he confirmed that I'm not having symptoms of pre-term labor, but I shouldn't try to either. I need to chill. I need to rest. I need to listen to my body. I need to know when too much is too much, before it's too much. That doesn't just apply to physical exertion - but in every realm of the plans we're making over the next several months. So straight from the horse's mouth, I have permission to say no right now. Medical permission.
Perfection
Every weekend is something during the holidays. And we want to be at all of it. After all, it has always been my most favorite time of the year. We will try to be present for all of it. But if we have to adjust some of those plans, or change/cancel some of those plans entirely, please understand. Please expect less. I am doing my absolute best. We are doing our absolute best. We are busy, but we are busy because we are trying so hard to provide, protect, and please. We make these choices so that we actually have something to give when we are present with those that matter to us. We may not be present in the way everyone would like us to be, but that's just where we are right now.
So please, expect less. There will come a day when we can be super mom, with our minivans, and you can judge us whichever way you see fit, but these years are not it. This is not then. If you can't expect less, then I apologize in advance because a whole lot of disappointment is coming down the pipeline. Mamas are trying to forgive themselves and give grace to themselves when they fall short; don't kick us when we're already down. Grace is what all of us need in this season from others. I will fall short of your expectations this season, and probably next year as well. Maybe even the year after that. Give grace freely to an expectant mama or new mama this holiday season. We really are trying!
