We looked at a variety of methods, and asked a lot of rockstar parents we know what worked well for them. We decided to use a super intense 3-day method, that, for us, worked wonders (with one major caveat). I'm sure many methods work, we just happened to decide on this one given our current work/daycare situation. Time isn't something we have a ton of in our house, unfortunately.
A glimpse (ha, or gaze) into the method we used:
- Three full days at home - attention 100% on our toddler. This means no cleaning, no Netflix binging, no hours of chores, no errands, no eating out, no church, no...anything. We were supposed to prepare meals in advance (ha), wash up all clothes beforehand, etc. Basically, the perfect quest for cabin fever.
- No diapers/pull-ups, at all. Rea threw her diapers away in bulk (knife in the gut for cheap parents like myself). We did this same thing with pacis; let her throw them away, and it worked. She is a visual learner that loves control :)
- We purchased several pairs of fun undies and got her super excited about them for weeks leading up to the big weekend. We let her choose what colors, let her look with us online, opened the Amazon package together, etc. It was fun for her and made "potty training" something to look forward to.
- We never asked her if she had to go potty. We simply kept repeating every 10-15 minutes, "if you need to potty, tell mommy or daddy." Control was hers (possibly mistake #1). We knew she would associate being asked with going to the toilet, and we wanted her to be able to tell us when she had to go, versus us having to constantly be asking her for this to work. Great idea in theory...
- We pushed tons of liquids. She's not a big drinker (I hope this stays true through her teenage years), so this was tough. But whatever she wanted....apple juice, Gatorade, milk, water...we let her have it.
- We let her have accidents. Day 1 we had the most. We wanted her to understand the uncomfortable feeling so that she was encouraged to learn how to avoid it.
- We reduced the amount of fluids she had close to naptime. She pottied before naptime, and napped in her undies. This working mama needs to capitalize on the time spent on this one training lesson, so transitioning out of pullups/diapers for naps/nighttime later doesn't appeal to me.
- We also reduced fluids after dinner to just a few sips. We tweaked our nighttime routine to add in times in between for trying to potty.
- The method told us to wake her up an hour after she fell asleep to try pottying again, and wake her up an hour before usual for the same. We did not do this. Our child is a mastermind at stalling sleep - we were not about to lose any more of our sanity than what was already expected.
- Positive Reinforcement: we may have overdone it. We gave small treats (skittles, etc.) when she would potty; larger treats (suckers, etc.) for numbers twos. We celebrated, high fived, and were super annoying everytime. It really did work. Girl loves to be praised. HOWEVER, this has been a dangerous spiral into a whole new issue weeks later.
Our findings: Potty Training, for us, is much like the If You Give A Mouse A Cookie books. If I wrote a book about our potty training outcome, it would definitely be titled, "If You Give A Toddler a Potty Treat.."
If you give a toddler a potty treat, she's going to ask for more.
If you don't give her more, she'll sit back on the potty.
If she sits back on the potty, she will strain for 10 minutes.
If she strains for 10 minutes, she will stall getting dressed.
If she stalls getting dressed, mama and daddy will lose patience.
If mama and daddy lose patience, she will see how far she can push.
If she sees how far she can push, she will not go to bed.
If she does not go to bed, she will ask for a story.
If you read her a story, she will want another.
If you read her another, she will want to rock.
If you agree to rock her, she will want her babies.
If she wants her babies, she will decide she needs to feed them.
If she feeds her babies, she will be reminded she's thirsty.
If she's reminded she's thirsty, she will ask for juice.
If she has some juice, she will have to potty.
And most likely, if she asks to go potty,
mama and daddy's positive reinforcement will start the cycle all over again.
This has basically been our life for the past two weeks. And let me not forget to mention we tried treats that were not candy...like stickers, small toys she has forgotten about, etc. She looks at us like we're insane. We have been struggling to redirect her attention, maintain positive reinforcement, keep her teeth from rotting out of her head, and still get her to go to sleep before 10pm. No one told me it would be like this. No one. Accidents, lots of cleaning up pee, a million loads of laundry, sure. Not sleep regression, temperament changes, and total parenting defeat. Nope. All you parent friends of ours - you kept that one a secret.
Unless it's just mine. Unless she is the exception and no other toddler goes through this. We have even been pulled aside by daycare about her "crying wolf" on the potty. Apparently, she's started quite the trend with her friends of faking it for sugar. I did always want her to become a leader, but not necessarily in a Resistance Movement. ALSO, if she doesn't get the potty treat, we are in full-blown meltdown mode. Buttons have been pushed that truly have made me consider letting her wear diapers forever. Heck, if I'm being totally honest, she'll need them again anyway in 28+ years once she's had her first child and bladder control is a thing of the past.
Mamas, I'd appreciate tips, tricks, bribes (I am no longer against anything), discipline tactics, etc. to help us to get out of this cycle. We are tired. We are defeated. We are thrilled she can potty, but we are fed up with her tricks and feeling outsmarted. We. Are. Desparate.
We took some advice from my brother and sister-in-law about starting a mantra, letting Reaves know that her only job is 1. to listen and obey, 2. be nice to everyone, and 3. have fun.
She loves the mantra, and talks with us about it daily. When we ask her, she can tell us what her jobs are.. we repeat them on the way to school, on the way to dance, at the dinner table, for the babysitter... and it really helps! Until she decides its for the birds, which is at least once a day. Then she gets tough. We have tried taking that mantra and turning her heart back to Jesus in those tough moments.
I read an article once that parenting toddlers can reveal to us just how broken humans are from the time they come into the world...they are naturally going to grow frustrated, disobey, lie, test, and sin. It's our job as parents to redirect their hearts to Him. As Christians, raising children, this is our duty. We signed up for it when we became a believer, and when we decided to have kids. So we've tried to appropriately bring that wisdom into our discipline by talking about God desiring her to be good, honoring her mother and father, treating others with respect, telling the truth. He wants us to be good, and love others well, but when we mess up, we can ask for His forgiveness. She sends us into a rabbit hole of "whys". Sometimes, I get super stumped on how to answer a why question with anything other than "Because I said so..." or "because the Bible tells us so..." - but that justification just ain't enough for a 2-year-old.
PSA: I feel like I am failing as a mom.
My kid is lying. She is being disrepectful and sneaky. She is encouraging others to lie for reward (ok that's harsh, she's two). She's disobeying. She laughs and runs out of timeout. She bucks at the gospel (yet, don't we all). However, one of my favorite blogs, Risen Motherhood, puts it best by stating "I fumble awkwardly through parenting; freed by my weakness knowing that every moment of it is what qualifies me for salvation." Yaaas, Queen. I am also currently binging on Queer Eye on Netflix so every thought going through my mind is said with a Jonathan Van Ness hair flip and finger snap.
I repeat this to myself daily, but I suppose I should also repeat it to myself for Reaves. Her weaknesses qualify her for salvation, and I just pray that God can capture her heart at a young age and transform it to one of love, kindness, and obedience.
