I have five weeks remaining of maternity leave [WHAT!]...I can't believe we have survived a full 7 weeks of parenting two Keely kids. It's been tough, to say the very least. Babies are easy, but Big Sisters make you cuss a little [a lot].
Over the past seven weeks, I've been able to spend more time in the Word because I have fewer excuses, not for Satan's [Netflix's] lack of trying. As part of my quiet time in the mornings, I have been reading The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson, linked here, and it has been super challenging as I navigate through this season of survival.
Parenting two kiddos, especially my two kiddos, surfaces all kinds of feelings of inadequacy. With Reaves, my maternity leave looked very different. I was showered in the mornings, drank hot coffee, pumped on time, the house was clean/organized, she had a beautifully structured schedule that I trained her well on, the laundry was done, and I was even able to check my work email one month prior to returning to work to filter what would need my immediate attention.
With Fields, it's a completely different ballgame. There's more mess from a busy toddler. I am relying more on my husband to take care of the toddler because I'm tending to the baby. I’m two diaper changes away from mastitis. There’s more laundry because there are FOUR of us now...and we have a toddler in daycare - which means, germs, as well as an infant whose bowels work extremely well. I try to clean, organize, disinfect. But it's null and void everyday when the Toddler Tornado comes home. I shamefully admit I hardly have time to pee before 2pm, much less shower, because being awake and present before Reaves goes to school is important to me despite the all-nighters Fields enjoys. I heat my coffee up 5 times and Nick still finds it sitting in the microwave at 6pm, full to the rim and untouched.
Not to mention, these kids, though they both look just like their daddy, could not be any more different! Reaves slept. Fields doesn’t. Fields cries. Reaves didn’t. Fields is a hangry ginger meaning when he’s hungry, that red headed temper will be your alarm clock. Schedule or no schedule. Reaves had to be woken up to eat and we had to really work at getting enough ounces in to help her gain weight. Reaves loved to be swaddled. Fields? - “Dont come at me bro..” with anything other than food or cuddles.
Praise be that I haven’t had any issues with PPD this time around [read that journey here]. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t felt more inadequate with Baby 2.0 since I am, by nature, fueled by productivity...especially when it comes to our home. In the Mission of Motherhood I’m being reintroduced to Gods design for ‘woman,’ to which I’ve responded with extreme resistance given I’m a working mom who relies heavily on my husband to share responsibilities around the home. Our culture has warped Gods original design for women, and because I myself struggle with this idea...I won’t write about it. I’m not equipped to offer anything on the topic - we feel we need my income and I like my job. I’ve always wanted to work outside the home, and buck at any mention that this may be against Gods design. I’m not saying it is or it isn’t. I truly don’t know, and am navigating my way through Gods design for my life, searching for answers to many questions. Sally can offer more, so read her book!
At the end of each chapter, she includes moments for thought and reflection, offering challenges to try based on the chapter’s material. This morning I felt personally offended by what I had read. I was doomed to hell because I work, because Nick does our cooking, because I don’t measure up to the Proverbs 31 woman.
Not to mention, just last night, Reaves came home from school...and started looking for me. I called to her from the kitchen and she walked in confused when I told her I was cooking. She pushed on with "Mommy's cooking? Not daddy?" Hm. While there isn't anything wrong with Nick being the more gifted chef in our home, it kind of hurt that she noticed how unusual it was for me to provide a meal for my family. She must have been on a roll last night, because she later asked for milk and remembered we had run out. Nick responded to her, "no, Mommy bought some at the store today." Reaves response? Oh it was a good one. "By herseeeelf????" Little girl is way too old to be only almost three.
With this fresh on my mind, I was on the defense this morning going into my quiet time reading about the role of a mother. I’m so focused on productivity and performance, it often clouds my vision of the gospel entirely. Sally's challenge was to make a list of ways you have sinned or rebelled against God for which you feel guilty, titling it Ways I Fall Short of God’s Standards. Hang on a second while I go grab a NOTEBOOK for this list, starting with #1 being that thinking I’m cool/powerful/holy enough to gain God’s approval through my performance. Yikes. After you make the list, look up 1 John 1:9:
“If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.”
Her challenge then tells you to ask God to wash your heart with his love and grace, rip up the paper, and throw it away, thanking Him that you are forgiven and will never have to be responsible for those sins again.
I did this challenge this morning and while the list was long, it allowed me to recognize issues in myself that I didn’t know existed. While I still don’t know how my life/circumstances align with Gods design for motherhood, I am thankful to have had a moment to consciously let those feelings of guilt and inadequacy go.
Now to heat this coffee for a sixth time and lather on the dry shampoo!
Not to mention, these kids, though they both look just like their daddy, could not be any more different! Reaves slept. Fields doesn’t. Fields cries. Reaves didn’t. Fields is a hangry ginger meaning when he’s hungry, that red headed temper will be your alarm clock. Schedule or no schedule. Reaves had to be woken up to eat and we had to really work at getting enough ounces in to help her gain weight. Reaves loved to be swaddled. Fields? - “Dont come at me bro..” with anything other than food or cuddles.
Praise be that I haven’t had any issues with PPD this time around [read that journey here]. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t felt more inadequate with Baby 2.0 since I am, by nature, fueled by productivity...especially when it comes to our home. In the Mission of Motherhood I’m being reintroduced to Gods design for ‘woman,’ to which I’ve responded with extreme resistance given I’m a working mom who relies heavily on my husband to share responsibilities around the home. Our culture has warped Gods original design for women, and because I myself struggle with this idea...I won’t write about it. I’m not equipped to offer anything on the topic - we feel we need my income and I like my job. I’ve always wanted to work outside the home, and buck at any mention that this may be against Gods design. I’m not saying it is or it isn’t. I truly don’t know, and am navigating my way through Gods design for my life, searching for answers to many questions. Sally can offer more, so read her book!
At the end of each chapter, she includes moments for thought and reflection, offering challenges to try based on the chapter’s material. This morning I felt personally offended by what I had read. I was doomed to hell because I work, because Nick does our cooking, because I don’t measure up to the Proverbs 31 woman.
Not to mention, just last night, Reaves came home from school...and started looking for me. I called to her from the kitchen and she walked in confused when I told her I was cooking. She pushed on with "Mommy's cooking? Not daddy?" Hm. While there isn't anything wrong with Nick being the more gifted chef in our home, it kind of hurt that she noticed how unusual it was for me to provide a meal for my family. She must have been on a roll last night, because she later asked for milk and remembered we had run out. Nick responded to her, "no, Mommy bought some at the store today." Reaves response? Oh it was a good one. "By herseeeelf????" Little girl is way too old to be only almost three.
With this fresh on my mind, I was on the defense this morning going into my quiet time reading about the role of a mother. I’m so focused on productivity and performance, it often clouds my vision of the gospel entirely. Sally's challenge was to make a list of ways you have sinned or rebelled against God for which you feel guilty, titling it Ways I Fall Short of God’s Standards. Hang on a second while I go grab a NOTEBOOK for this list, starting with #1 being that thinking I’m cool/powerful/holy enough to gain God’s approval through my performance. Yikes. After you make the list, look up 1 John 1:9:
“If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.”
Her challenge then tells you to ask God to wash your heart with his love and grace, rip up the paper, and throw it away, thanking Him that you are forgiven and will never have to be responsible for those sins again.
I did this challenge this morning and while the list was long, it allowed me to recognize issues in myself that I didn’t know existed. While I still don’t know how my life/circumstances align with Gods design for motherhood, I am thankful to have had a moment to consciously let those feelings of guilt and inadequacy go.
Now to heat this coffee for a sixth time and lather on the dry shampoo!
