I feel like I can post it now. I can finally share some rawness behind the feeling that is so hard to put into words around the subject of being a working parent. I can finally feel it appropriate because I’m on the other side. I’m on the other side, but I can still so deeply relate to the struggle of what working mama’s face, every day. It’s still so comfortable for me. And I read it now, tonight, after one HELLUVA day home with both kiddos...as I’m feeling defeated, annoyed, angry. Only to realize how incredibly blessed I am and selfish I’m acting. Hold on to your britches.
Oh working mamas/mamas-to-be, we've been given such an impossible task.
I'm not talking about the morning sickness, the hormones, the acne, the never-ending fatigue, the Dysgeusia, the increased mucus in your sinuses leaving you with a 40 week cold/upper respiratory mess, the back pain, the weight gain, the stretch marks, or the super real pregnancy brain.
I'm not talking about the swelling, the inability to find anything that fits or looks remotely flattering, the magic act of your feet disappearing, or the sacrifice of A GOOD pedicure/foot massage on said phantom feet. The Pinocchio pregnancy nose, the dry skin, the cold/lukewarm baths, the fixed sleep position of staying on your left side. No, none of that.
I'm not talking about the constant desire to eat all the food, the restraint to be mindful of food choices, the withholding from a glass of wine or your favorite Thomas Creek brew, the poking, the prodding, the tasty glucose drink, or the gestational diabetes [for us lucky ones].
I'm not talking about the Braxton Hicks, the constipation, the inability to settle on a name, the Pinterest guilt lingering over nursery decor plans, the judgment from other moms, the anxiety before every ultrasound, the fear of the unknown, the possibility of HELLP Syndrome, chromosomal abnormalities, cholestasis, chorioamnionitis, pre-term labor, the chance that the one doctor you can't stand will be on call the night of your delivery...
I'm not even talking about the fact that you are literally, in every sense of the word, growing a human inside of you, and then pushing it out of you. A brain, a heart, a spine, limbs, facial features, a liver, kidneys, lungs...fingernails. I'm not talking about the bladder kicks once those limbs have formed or the fact that you sneeze pee, cough pee, laugh pee, or just plain pee... with no warning or control.
Furthermore, I'm not even talking about all of the above in combination with having a full-time job. Maintaining our energy, stamina, brain power, motivation, image [cringe]...all while preparing a separate plan of how things will be handled in your absence once your 40 weeks near an end.
Nor am I talking about the post-partum hormones, the rushed evenings after returning to work, as rough as they may be. The missed school performances because of meetings, the take out that has to substitute home-cooked meals so that there is time for bathtime and just one book before bed. The guilt you feel over trusting someone else to raise your child during the day and the constant questioning of yourself when things don't go perfectly at daycare/school. The decision of coming in super early, missing "wake-up time", in order to be able to take her to an early tot dance class. Although those things are incredibly difficult on a mama's heart, those are not impossible tasks. At least not what I consider impossible tasks. With faith, prayer, good community, and perseverance, I truly believe those things we can accomplish/overcome.
The impossible task placed in front of us is overcoming the systemic roadblock set up that tries to make us fail. Policy fails us. Equal Opportunity fails us. Expectations are unattainable, companies are too number-driven, and America is way too far behind [and ignorant]. The poor system forces our hand to choose between growing our family and growing our careers, fail at being able to financially provide for our family while we heal/care for our newborn, fail at being present for our family to ensure flawless productivity reports, fail at maintaining choices for our children tohat are important to us [i.e. breastfeeding], fail at being the PTA mom or the class mom, or heck, even the considerate mom who can remember to check on your daughter's friend's family who may be going through a tough time. We have a system that sets us up for so much failure, abiding by the bare minimum to be considered "legally compliant."
It's easy to blame it on the system, on social media, on our government, and on our country. But the reality is, discrimination against working moms goes beyond that. It hits closer to home for most and is hiding in the shadows of our cubicles and in the eyes of those who just don't get it. And until that changes, nothing will. Sure, the government could implement paid maternity leave and all of us working and reproducing mamas would shout a hearty hallelujah. We'd actually be able to make ends meet and have some cash flow for the never-ending hospital bills..we'd be able to focus more on baby and ourselves than on ways to cut costs while you're without income. We'd be able to stop worrying about having no sick days/vacation days when we return to work in case the baby gets sick and needs to stay home. Which, news flash, happens all of the time. Especially for kids in daycare.
I've been doing a lot of reading on this subject, and in combination with real conversations with people that I know, proves this is a rising issue, happening way more often than not.
Disclaimer: the below are not subject to personal experience. They are, however, real experiences of real women, who shall remain anonymous.
Legally compliant ≠ ethical.
It's easy to blame it on the system, on social media, on our government, and on our country. But the reality is, discrimination against working moms goes beyond that. It hits closer to home for most and is hiding in the shadows of our cubicles and in the eyes of those who just don't get it. And until that changes, nothing will. Sure, the government could implement paid maternity leave and all of us working and reproducing mamas would shout a hearty hallelujah. We'd actually be able to make ends meet and have some cash flow for the never-ending hospital bills..we'd be able to focus more on baby and ourselves than on ways to cut costs while you're without income. We'd be able to stop worrying about having no sick days/vacation days when we return to work in case the baby gets sick and needs to stay home. Which, news flash, happens all of the time. Especially for kids in daycare.
I've been doing a lot of reading on this subject, and in combination with real conversations with people that I know, proves this is a rising issue, happening way more often than not.
Disclaimer: the below are not subject to personal experience. They are, however, real experiences of real women, who shall remain anonymous.
- A mom-to-be who had struggled with infertility was told during an annual performance evaluation that she needed to evaluate her goals and what she really wanted. Choices being to grow her family, or to be considered for the promotion at work...after all, the department couldn't have someone in this position out for three months [i.e. maternity leave]. APPALLING.
- A place of business told a nursing [new] mom they were required to pump off the clock, and make up the time by staying later in the day to ensure a 40 hour work week for productivity reports. "We have to justify keeping your position full-time.." Suggestion given: come in on Saturday to make up for the time lost. Thus taking away even more time from her baby at home in the evenings and on the weekends. For those that don't know, it takes about 30 minutes per pumping session/2-3 pumping sesssions per 8 hour work day [depending on your supply]. That totals 1.5 hours per day, 7.5 hours per week to make up. ABSURD.
- A company decided to switch insurance providers, and a mom-to-be who had put in years of service, was mid-pregnancy at the switch of the calendar year. New insurance determined that since she got pregnant in the previous calendar year, under her old insurance provider, they considered this a pre-existing condition. Therefore, no coverage for delivery. Fortunately, I think pre-existing conditions are now a thing of the past; this was an older scenario. That's some progress...
- A pregnant woman was recruited for an open position based on her amazing work performance. She interviewed for the position and was asked her due date. She got the job [seems like we're making strides in the right direction, eh?]...but under one condition: she start before her due date. Therefore, losing all insurance coverage for the remainder of her pregnancy + her delivery. The elimination period [first 90 days worked] would fall during her due date, therefore, she would have no coverage or vacation time or ability to file a short-term disability claim to receive even just half of her pay while on FMLA. Since she could not accommodate their requests, she was denied the position.
- A mom-to-be lost her child during delivery, all to be questioned by her boss why maternity leave was still necessary. DISGUSTING.
- A mom-to-be had no office to pump for her newborn after returning to work, but desired to keep their child on breastmilk. She was told to go to the restroom to pump/sanitize pump parts or switch to formula. JUST GROSS.
- A nursing mom was questioned by her boss "How long are you going to keep this up? It's getting ridiculous.." SERIOUSLY?
- The Department of Labor limits couples who work for the same employer to a total combined 12 weeks of FMLA in any given 12 month period. Therefore, if the husband were to take a single week of 'vacation' to help his wife after delivery, she gets less time at home. God forbid that woman to have to have a C-section and be unable to lift the baby/climb stairs. WHAT.A.JOKE.
- A single mother was suddenly 'told' to stay after normal business hours for executive meetings that were determined to be held in the evenings every few weeks. Her child's daycare closes at 6pm. The meetings begin at 5:45pm. 'That's her problem.'
- A working mom finally goes out for Girls Night. Such a treat...or it should be. Until someone asks who keeps your child during the day. "Oh she's in daycare while we work." Que the criticism. "My child will never go to daycare...that's got to be so hard on kids...never seeing their mom. No job is worth giving up time with your baby." GIRL...
Those are just listing a few. Those things...aside from everything else we face as mothers...is the impossible task that we feel the weight of every day. Shaking it off, overcoming it, advocating for change, standing up for what's right...while keeping our job. It is lack of policy, but it's more lack of respect from our peers, superiors, subordinates, fellow women (come on now!)...we are not fragile. We are working mamas, which is the total opposite. We have a subtle strength that makes us capable of just about anything. We die to our own desires every day to show up, work hard, and provide for our family. I would be overjoyed to have a working mother on my team. The ability to juggle all of the above...and want to work speaks so much louder than the shame trying to drown out our voice.
It seems impossible to satisfy the corporate agenda with the standards placed before us. It seems impossible to be a good, working mom when systems and policies make it so.much.harder. Hello...pregnancy is hard enough...MOTHERHOOD is hard enough. There are days I've felt mediocre. But good? I don't have time to feel like a good mom. But I love my job. I love working. I love the outlet that a career provides for me to be better at home and in my mind.
I'm sure some people reading this are now saying to themselves, "oh that feminist...it's all 'Me Too and a can of worms.'" A. you're either a man [no offense] or B. don't have kids yet. And that's okay that you can't relate. I don't write this to preach to the choir. Other working mamas already know this, they're living it. I write about it because it's such a problem and people don't realize it's a problem.
I do not consider myself a feminist, by all means. I don't consider myself on one specific end of the political spectrum; I'm in what I consider the Purple Party...Republican with shades of Blue. I don't automatically assume every woman that cries sexual assault is telling the truth. Nor do I want every man ever accused to rot in jail. There are bad men, who do bad things, but there are also bad women, who also do bad things. So sue me.
I will not march in a feminist protest, wear the pink hat, or write obscenities on a sign expecting change. I will never choose the woman running for office because of her gender, and though I believe marriage is intended for a man and a woman based on my spiritual beliefs, I am happy for my homosexual friends who have found love and will love them not based on their sexual orientation/identification, but because Christ has called me to love my neighbor. Who am I to judge? I do not get worked up about all of this because 'I AM WOMAN' or because I am a liberal activist for equality - I'm not. I'm simply a woman who has felt the pressure of this issue. A woman with friends who have been treated unfairly for the very reason of being pregnant/having children. A woman who has personally been judged by a number of people for my decision to work and grow my family. Of all the things Americans argue about, why isn't this one of them? I feel like America should be here by now, adopting policies around paid maternity and paternity leave the way other countries have done.
Change is what feels impossible. I feel you, working mamas. I share in your frustration. I share in your anger. I share in your daily defeat, as well as rejoice with you in daily victories of 'making it through.' We must persevere in hopes that change will come to the nasty stigma circulating the female workforce.
Mom on, working mama. Do your thing. You are a valuable asset and are worth far more than your [pregnancy] weight in gold. Stand up for yourselves, for your children, your family, and for your career. Working makes us better moms, and motherhood makes us better employees, whether that is clear to our broken system or not.
xoxo
It seems impossible to satisfy the corporate agenda with the standards placed before us. It seems impossible to be a good, working mom when systems and policies make it so.much.harder. Hello...pregnancy is hard enough...MOTHERHOOD is hard enough. There are days I've felt mediocre. But good? I don't have time to feel like a good mom. But I love my job. I love working. I love the outlet that a career provides for me to be better at home and in my mind.
I'm sure some people reading this are now saying to themselves, "oh that feminist...it's all 'Me Too and a can of worms.'" A. you're either a man [no offense] or B. don't have kids yet. And that's okay that you can't relate. I don't write this to preach to the choir. Other working mamas already know this, they're living it. I write about it because it's such a problem and people don't realize it's a problem.
I do not consider myself a feminist, by all means. I don't consider myself on one specific end of the political spectrum; I'm in what I consider the Purple Party...Republican with shades of Blue. I don't automatically assume every woman that cries sexual assault is telling the truth. Nor do I want every man ever accused to rot in jail. There are bad men, who do bad things, but there are also bad women, who also do bad things. So sue me.
I will not march in a feminist protest, wear the pink hat, or write obscenities on a sign expecting change. I will never choose the woman running for office because of her gender, and though I believe marriage is intended for a man and a woman based on my spiritual beliefs, I am happy for my homosexual friends who have found love and will love them not based on their sexual orientation/identification, but because Christ has called me to love my neighbor. Who am I to judge? I do not get worked up about all of this because 'I AM WOMAN' or because I am a liberal activist for equality - I'm not. I'm simply a woman who has felt the pressure of this issue. A woman with friends who have been treated unfairly for the very reason of being pregnant/having children. A woman who has personally been judged by a number of people for my decision to work and grow my family. Of all the things Americans argue about, why isn't this one of them? I feel like America should be here by now, adopting policies around paid maternity and paternity leave the way other countries have done.
Change is what feels impossible. I feel you, working mamas. I share in your frustration. I share in your anger. I share in your daily defeat, as well as rejoice with you in daily victories of 'making it through.' We must persevere in hopes that change will come to the nasty stigma circulating the female workforce.
Mom on, working mama. Do your thing. You are a valuable asset and are worth far more than your [pregnancy] weight in gold. Stand up for yourselves, for your children, your family, and for your career. Working makes us better moms, and motherhood makes us better employees, whether that is clear to our broken system or not.
xoxo
