what not to expect when we're expecting

'Tis the season for all the things. The holiday festivities are among us. This is used to be my most favorite time of the year. At the beginning of this pregnancy, I was excited to be due in January [that was before I realized our deductible starts over]. I knew that by the third trimester, all of the holiday fun would be starting, so the home stretch would be sure to pass by quickly. But instead, I find myself incredibly overwhelmed.

I'm almost 8 months pregnant, which for me...naturally brings a lot of anxiety based on the events of my last pregnancy. Rather than get into those details, I'll just defer to my previous posts for that information. I will, however, state for the record that I know every pregnancy is different. This pregnancy has been so different [God's grace]...and I know I'm not guaranteed the same delivery. But the anxiety is still there. It's what my mind is naturally expecting to happen with Baby 2.0. Not to mention this time I also have a tiny tornado toddler to chase around, and pregnancy [plain and simple] sucks is just hard.

Without doubt, the holidays are different as a parent - and in many ways, they're almost more fun. I love seeing the joy [sometimes horror, because...Santa] all over our little girl's face. I love watching the wonder in her eyes as her imagination grows year to year. I love watching her gaze in awe at tacky Christmas light masterpieces, act silly while baking & decorating cookies & licking the spoon & singing Jingle Bells. I love watching her curiosity as she opens presents and listening to her interpretation of the real reason for the season. I love singing Happy Birthday Elmo Jesus with her and teaching her about this most special day. I love introducing her to classic Christmas movies and stuffing our face with popcorn & candy while we laugh uncontrollably. Those are all moments I want with my child. Selfishly, moments I don't really want to feel obligated to share with everyone else, every time.  However, I'm finding it so easy to neglect the time we enjoy the most as our own little unit in the midst an over-booked calendar, putting everyone else's expectations above our own.

It's overwhelming. It's heart-breaking. It's exhausting. It's one big guilt trip weighing on my already aching shoulders.

"Learn to say no. And learn that saying no is OKAY." - best advice I ever received before becoming a mom...yet also the hardest to put into action. That advice warrants a follow up question, HOW?

How do you do this? How do you disappoint everyone else because you need a weekend to do nothing and sleep just make memories [bake cookies, play dress up, eat breakfast] with your little family?

How do you justify open time on your calendar when asked if you're free when you really need 2 hours to catch up on 12 loads of laundry because you're a pregnant, working mom, that is trying her best to maintain just enough energy during the week to make sure her potty training daughter has enough clean panties? [asking for a friend, does turning them inside out count?]

The better advice is for everyone else. Expect less of expectant mamas. Expect less of new mamas. And be okay with hearing no. Cut us all some slack. Forgive us for needing to adjust dinner to an earlier time to accommodate our new [or current] lifestyle. Forgive us for needing to turn in before 2am...because 30 [and pregnant] is not the new 21. Our "no" has nothing to do with you. We still love you, we are trying. We don't need help. We just need understanding. If I could ask for only one thing this Christmas, that would be it. That's literally all that I want: slack, no strings attached; no mention of it in the future; no compromise; no trade of my time 2 weekends from now to "make up for what I've done,"; no guilt; no competition; no comparison of who else we're sharing time with; just understanding.

I am too tired, too fat, too swollen, too achey, stretched too thin [ha, pun intended], too responsible for my own child's well-being/activities to keep up with the tally of expected attendance. I don't want my children to look back on their youth & see the crazy rat race their parents had to run to satisfy everyone else's priorities, rather than seeing & feeling that we made them our priority. 

What Not to Expect When We're Expecting:

Prompt Texts/Replies
I'm sorry if my Happy Birthday text was a day belated. I worked 9 hours, had a parent/teacher meeting because my child took her shoes off [eye roll], fixed dinner, gave my daughter a bath, and ended up passing out in my daughter's bed as I sang her to sleep - all before I even took my bra work badge off. I woke up to pee, once, and move to my room, but honestly, I don't remember moving. Wake up, repeat. I didn't remember to text you.

Mental Clarity
This just straight up applies to all the things, all the time. I'm pretty sure I argued with my husband over a conversation we did have...[in my dream] three nights ago. How dare he not remember?

When Reaves was first born, my husband's family came over for Mother's Day, and I wished my sister-in-law a Happy Mother's Day. She doesn't have children and her cat had just passed away. I didn't think about it until the next week, at which it's too late to point out your idiotic statement without being awkward.

Perfect Attendance
I'm sorry if I had to pass on driving an hour and a half to have dinner at 6pm on Thursday night. I really wanted to be there, but I don't get off work until 5pm [earliest]. I wish I could leave early, but I have no PTO to spare - we will be struggling enough to make ends meet in 2 months when I'm on unpaid leave. I need every minute of what's in my balance.

I'm sorry if I need to push up the time of that thing we have, or if I have to leave early. I haven't seen many days past 9pm and I still need to fix my daughter's lunch for tomorrow, wash her nap mat, and ice my cankles. Also, stay up late or turn in early, my daughter without doubt will be up before 7am, so I have to be on my A-game regardless of the choice I make.

Saying No to Drugs
I'm sorry that I can't make that weekend trip out of town. I'm trying to stay close to home base just in case my fear of pre-term labor happens again. I need drugs - there is no "not making it in time for the epidural." And I refuse to have this baby in the car.

Equality in Time Management
I'm sorry that I visited with her last weekend and can't with you this weekend. I've been cramping, throwing up, have had headaches, and have continued being mom all week. Yes, we are free, but I need to rest. And because we were swamped last weekend, we didn't have much one on one time with her - so we need to set some aside this weekend to make her feel important/special. Also, she got in trouble this week at daycare & at home. Right now, it's in her best interest that we just not reward the behavior with a break from our rules.

Martha Stewart
I was debating this year on decorating for fall & Christmas. All I can think about is having to take it down mid-January, at 9.5 months pregnant [yes, men. Women are pregnant for a full 10 months] No thanks. I attempted for fall. I bought pumpkins - meh, didn't get around to the mums. I wrote on our standing chalkboard "Hello Pumpkin!" in our entryway...until Reaves smeared it with apple juice. It's still sitting there, smeared, "Hell umpkin." Nick did get down our Christmas decor last night, and I will attempt to at least put up a tree. But don't expect Martha's mountain cottage to make you feel fuzzy when you visit. Don't judge me if I choose to only put up the tree - and if only half of it is decorated. I will not ruin Reaves' childhood. I will not ruin Christmas. Christmas is about Jesus, not about decorations. Leave us alone about the mistletoe and Dollywood ornament that may or may not make it's way to the branch fluffed perfectly in the back.

Kindness Patience
I'm fresh out.

Selflessness
Everything about being pregnant/ a mom is selfless. There is no being selfish in motherhood, from the very moment you conceive. Your entire body is selflessly giving all of itself to growing this human. And postpartum, your time, brain, energy is 100% dedicated to said human. We are stretched thin with selflessness - it's all we are as mothers. Sometimes, I need to be selfish, so that I can bond with my baby and impact my child's life. I cannot be selfless with you. My selflessness [in this season] is consumed by my kids [and husband] right now. Check back when they're 18.

Bladder Control Physical Ability to Keep Up/Rage
My family has season tickets for Clemson games - and since I was born - this has been my most favorite fall tradition. Our seats are great - we can see everything, clearly. But they're high, meaning we climb about 50 stairs to get there. Which means 50 stairs down to go to the bathroom [hellooooo adult diapers], and 50 stairs back up. 50 stairs down when my toddler has to potty and 50 stairs back up when she decides it was a false alarm. 50 stairs when I'm hungry, and 50 stairs back to eat. Try that with a watermelon shoved in your uterus, and carrying a 25 lb toddler on your hip. Most days, it's so worth it for the experience that is Death Valley on game day. Needless to say, I over did it. I was in crazy pain after the walk to the stadium alone, and the stairs were the added bonus to my mini-panic attack of not being able to catch my breath. Reaves was also going through some GI issues, so long story short we left early. Like, before halftime, early. I felt terrible, though my parents were incredibly understanding. They weren't mad at all, but I still felt terrible ruining everyone else's night. Due to the risk of over-exerting myself, I'm skipping the CU vs USC game this weekend. After a visit to my doctor, he confirmed that I'm not having symptoms of pre-term labor, but I shouldn't try to either. I need to chill. I need to rest. I need to listen to my body. I need to know when too much is too much, before it's too much. That doesn't just apply to physical exertion  - but in every realm of the plans we're making over the next several months. So straight from the horse's mouth, I have permission to say no right now. Medical permission. 

Perfection
Every weekend is something during the holidays. And we want to be at all of it. After all, it has always been my most favorite time of the year. We will try to be present for all of it. But if we have to adjust some of those plans, or change/cancel some of those plans entirely, please understand. Please expect less. I am doing my absolute best. We are doing our absolute best. We are busy, but we are busy because we are trying so hard to provide, protect, and please. We make these choices so that we actually have something to give when we are present with those that matter to us. We may not be present in the way everyone would like us to be, but that's just where we are right now. 

So please, expect less. There will come a day when we can be super mom, with our minivans, and you can judge us whichever way you see fit, but these years are not it. This is not then. If you can't expect less, then I apologize in advance because a whole lot of disappointment is coming down the pipeline. Mamas are trying to forgive themselves and give grace to themselves when they fall short; don't kick us when we're already down. Grace is what all of us need in this season from others. I will fall short of your expectations this season, and probably next year as well. Maybe even the year after that. Give grace freely to an expectant mama or new mama this holiday season. We really are trying!

If You Give a Toddler a Potty Treat...

Labor Day weekend, we set out on the helladventure of Potty Training Bootcamp. I'm still trying to decide if this was bootcamp for our daughter learning to use the potty, or bootcamp for mommy and daddy learning survival of the fittest. Both, I believe, in our case. I think Rea did better than we did.

We looked at a variety of methods, and asked a lot of rockstar parents we know what worked well for them. We decided to use a super intense 3-day method, that, for us, worked wonders (with one major caveat). I'm sure many methods work, we just happened to decide on this one given our current work/daycare situation. Time isn't something we have a ton of in our house, unfortunately.

A glimpse (ha, or gaze) into the method we used:

1. Three full days at home - attention 100% on our toddler. This means no cleaning, no Netflix binging, no hours of chores, no errands, no eating out, no church, no...anything. We were supposed to prepare meals in advance (ha), wash up all clothes beforehand, etc. Basically, the perfect quest for cabin fever.
2. No diapers/pull-ups, at all. Rea threw her diapers away in bulk (knife in the gut for cheap parents like myself). We did this same thing with pacis; let her throw them away, and it worked. She is a visual learner that loves control :) 
3. We purchased several pairs of fun undies and got her super excited about them for weeks leading up to the big weekend. We let her choose what colors, let her look with us online, opened the Amazon package together, etc. It was fun for her and made "potty training" something to look forward to.
4. We never asked her if she had to go potty. We simply kept repeating every 10-15 minutes, "if you need to potty, tell mommy or daddy." Control was hers (possibly mistake #1). We knew she would associate being asked with going to the toilet, and we wanted her to be able to tell us when she had to go, versus us having to constantly be asking her for this to work. Great idea in theory...
5. We pushed tons of liquids. She's not a big drinker (I hope this stays true through her teenage years), so this was tough. But whatever she wanted....apple juice, Gatorade, milk, water...we let her have it.
6. We let her have accidents. Day 1 we had the most. We wanted her to understand the uncomfortable feeling so that she was encouraged to learn how to avoid it. 
7. We reduced the amount of fluids she had close to naptime. She pottied before naptime, and napped in her undies. This working mama needs to capitalize on the time spent on this one training lesson, so transitioning out of pullups/diapers for naps/nighttime later doesn't appeal to me. 
8. We also reduced fluids after dinner to just a few sips. We tweaked our nighttime routine to add in times in between for trying to potty. 
9. The method told us to wake her up an hour after she fell asleep to try pottying again, and wake her up an hour before usual for the same. We did not do this. Our child is a mastermind at stalling sleep - we were not about to lose any more of our sanity than what was already expected.
10. Positive Reinforcement: we may have overdone it. We gave small treats (skittles, etc.) when she would potty; larger treats (suckers, etc.) for numbers twos. We celebrated, high fived, and were super annoying everytime. It really did work. Girl loves to be praised. HOWEVER, this has been a dangerous spiral into a whole new issue weeks later.

Our findings: Potty Training, for us, is much like the If You Give A Mouse A Cookie books. If I wrote a book about our potty training outcome, it would definitely be titled, "If You Give A Toddler a Potty Treat.." 

If you give a toddler a potty treat, she's going to ask for more.

If you don't give her more, she'll sit back on the potty.

If she sits back on the potty, she will strain for 10 minutes.

If she strains for 10 minutes, she will stall getting dressed.

If she stalls getting dressed, mama and daddy will lose patience.

If mama and daddy lose patience, she will see how far she can push.

If she sees how far she can push, she will not go to bed.

If she does not go to bed, she will ask for a story.

If you read her a story, she will want another.

If you read her another, she will want to rock.

If you agree to rock her, she will want her babies.

If she wants her babies, she will decide she needs to feed them.

If she feeds her babies, she will be reminded she's thirsty. 

If she's reminded she's thirsty, she will ask for juice.

If she has some juice, she will have to potty.

And most likely, if she asks to go potty, 

mama and daddy's positive reinforcement will start the cycle all over again.

This has basically been our life for the past two weeks. And let me not forget to mention we tried treats that were not candy...like stickers, small toys she has forgotten about, etc. She looks at us like we're insane. We have been struggling to redirect her attention, maintain positive reinforcement, keep her teeth from rotting out of her head, and still get her to go to sleep before 10pm. No one told me it would be like this. No one. Accidents, lots of cleaning up pee, a million loads of laundry, sure. Not sleep regression, temperament changes, and total parenting defeat. Nope. All you parent friends of ours - you kept that one a secret. 

Unless it's just mine. Unless she is the exception and no other toddler goes through this. We have even been pulled aside by daycare about her "crying wolf" on the potty. Apparently, she's started quite the trend with her friends of faking it for sugar. I did always want her to become a leader, but not necessarily in a Resistance Movement. ALSO, if she doesn't get the potty treat, we are in full-blown meltdown mode. Buttons have been pushed that truly have made me consider letting her wear diapers forever. Heck, if I'm being totally honest, she'll need them again anyway in 28+ years once she's had her first child and bladder control is a thing of the past. 

Mamas, I'd appreciate tips, tricks, bribes (I am no longer against anything), discipline tactics, etc. to help us to get out of this cycle. We are tired. We are defeated. We are thrilled she can potty, but we are fed up with her tricks and feeling outsmarted. We. Are. Desparate. 

We took some advice from my brother and sister-in-law about starting a mantra, letting Reaves know that her only job is 1. to listen and obey, 2. be nice to everyone, and 3. have fun.

She loves the mantra, and talks with us about it daily. When we ask her, she can tell us what her jobs are.. we repeat them on the way to school, on the way to dance, at the dinner table, for the babysitter... and it really helps! Until she decides its for the birds, which is at least once a day. Then she gets tough. We have tried taking that mantra and turning her heart back to Jesus in those tough moments. 

I read an article once that parenting toddlers can reveal to us just how broken humans are from the time they come into the world...they are naturally going to grow frustrated, disobey, lie, test, and sin. It's our job as parents to redirect their hearts to Him. As Christians, raising children, this is our duty. We signed up for it when we became a believer, and when we decided to have kids. So we've tried to appropriately bring that wisdom into our discipline by talking about God desiring her to be good, honoring her mother and father, treating others with respect, telling the truth. He wants us to be good, and love others well, but when we mess up, we can ask for His forgiveness. She sends us into a rabbit hole of "whys". Sometimes, I get super stumped on how to answer a why question with anything other than "Because I said so..." or "because the Bible tells us so..." - but that justification just ain't enough for a 2-year-old. 

PSA: I feel like I am failing as a mom. 

My kid is lying. She is being disrepectful and sneaky. She is encouraging others to lie for reward (ok that's harsh, she's two). She's disobeying. She laughs and runs out of timeout. She bucks at the gospel (yet, don't we all). However, one of my favorite blogs, Risen Motherhood, puts it best by stating "I fumble awkwardly through parenting; freed by my weakness knowing that every moment of it is what qualifies me for salvation." Yaaas, Queen. I am also currently binging on Queer Eye on Netflix so every thought going through my mind is said with a Jonathan Van Ness hair flip and finger snap. 

I repeat this to myself daily, but I suppose I should also repeat it to myself for Reaves. Her weaknesses qualify her for salvation, and I just pray that God can capture her heart at a young age and transform it to one of love, kindness, and obedience.

big girl things

I’m having a moment. A moment of excitement, sadness, bittersweet pride, and mixed into all of that, my moment is being hijacked by pregnancy hormones multiplying it all by 100. My baby girl, now 28 months [I know it’s annoying to not just say “2”...but this is my moment], is spending her first night in her big girl room. We’ve spent the last three months thinking about the decorations, picking out her big girl bed, researching mattresses, and talking up the transition to get her excited about not just giving up her crib, but moving across the hall. Occasionally I had some anxiety and fear about the possibility she wouldn’t stay in her bed, would play all night, would fall out of her bed while asleep. Those are all fears I’m still having as we are only one hour in as I write this. 

I was excited. Ready. Excited and ready to re-organize her stuff, clean out stuff we don’t need, and begin putting together Baby Boy Keely’s nursery [Rea’s Old room]. Why we decided to do that on a Sunday night, when I have a super early work day tomorrow, versus a Friday night, I’ll never know. We do things bass ackards I guess. 

So today we did it. We put together her big girl room minus a few things were still waiting on to be shipped. And Rea loved helping. We went through her stuffies and divided up what she wanted to keep and what she wanted Baby Brother to have. Same with her books. It went really well. Surprisingly well. Brother is even getting to keep an Elmo. That’s huge. 

We tested out naptime and just as I expected, she didn’t really like being alone in a new room. So I laid down with her, and we both napped. She didn’t nap as easily or as long as she normally does in her crib, but I’ll take it. Still worried about the night...

We played the rest of the afternoon in the middle of the absolute mess that was our house after emptying out our only junk room to make way for her big girl things. Every time I would start to clean it up, she’d beg for my attention. “Mommy please play with me.” Ouch. So I complied, reminding myself of my present over perfect journey that I started at the beginning of this year. 

Bedtime came, and she started telling us how scary she thought her room was. Here it comes, I thought. No sleep for any of us tonight. We showed her the monitor, let her take turns watching us and talking to us through the other end, and even playing a version of Simon Says to make her understand that we can always see her and she can always talk to us through it. We read a few books and laid down together on her big girl mattress.

We have a “two” rule at our house. If you’re good, we’ll read two books, and [used to be] mommy will rock and sing for two minutes and daddy will rock and sing for two minutes. Then it’s bedtime. No negotiations. Our rocking chair is staying in baby’s room, and I didn’t realize just how sad that would make me. Instead of rocking, I laid with her and sang for two minutes, then left, while Nick laid and sang with her for two minutes. I was convinced it’d be an hour of crying before Nick came out of her room, but only two minutes later, I hear him shut her door and she hadn’t made a sound. 

She told Nick after his two minutes that she was still scared and that she’d feel safer if Mia stayed. So Mia is currently in there sleeping with her....I want to laugh, roll my eyes, and cry all at once. I started to clean up, RELIEVED she was fine, and realized I wasn’t. I put some stuff in Baby’s room, and got super emotional seeing the rocking chair. I didn’t rock my girl for the first time in 28 months. Oh these hormones are mean. This shouldn’t be getting to me like this. I decided to just stare at her through the monitor and I saw her start to get out of bed. Great. Here we go.. I showed Nick and just when I started to tell him to tell her to get back in the bed, he smiled. She had gotten out of bed to put her books back where they belong, crawled back in, and laid down. 

Bless. This. Sweet. Child. My heart is exploding. I am so proud of her for being brave, for listening, for being a big girl. But I’m so sad that she’s old enough to be so brave and do such big girl things. I am a mess over here thinking about how LONG the days feel but how short the years actually are. Thus my blog post...self-care. We are now an hour and fifteen minutes in, she’s asleep...in her bed. Has not cried. Has not played. Has not screamed or tried to negotiate.

I am fully aware that this could be beginners luck and we will without doubt run into our fair share of frustration with getting her to settle down in the future when a big girl bed offers so much freedom. But for now, I am so so proud, and so so sad that my baby girl is growing up! 

oh boy!

As a couple who swore we’d have all girls, we were totally surprised by the results of our gender scan. But BOY are we excited! When I was pregnant with Reaves, we opted to be surprised with everyone else, and find out together, in front of the camera.

 This time, we accidentally found out early due to my tendency to ignore fine print disclaimers [long story]. We kept this sweet secret for more than two weeks, even from Reaves. I was so anti-gender reveal this time, truthfully for reasons unknown. Maybe it was because toddler world and pregnancy have me exhausted and totally unmotivated to clean my house. However, Nick was set on having something to celebrate and share the news with our people. He made the argument that what we do for one, we must do for the other. And as a second child myself, I could appreciate his logic. So celebrate we did. We hosted a 

"Bun in the Oven, Burgers on the Grill" 

cookout for our closest family and friends. The amazing Amy Clifton Keely captured the most precious pictures that evening, of course. I tell ya, we are truly blessed by her talent and friendship. Such an added bonus that she's family :) 

I'm pretty sure everyone was convinced we were having a boy. Probably because my pregnancies have been totally different. 

• With Reaves, I was constantly sick between weeks 5 and 17. I was on four Diclegis per day to help with nausea. With Baby Boy, no sickness whatsoever.
• With Reaves, I was falling asleep mid-conversation...often, and was dependent on a nap right after work, before dinner. With Baby Boy, I've been tired, but have managed to maintain most of my energy while keeping up with my toddler. 
• With Reaves, I gained 15 lbs in the first trimester...couldn't wear my rings past week 10...and had the dreaded pregnancy nose by the time of my gender reveal at 20 weeks. With Baby Boy, I haven't gained a single pound. I've maintained my pre-pregnancy weight, and managed to make it to week 14 before opting for my enso wedding band. My nose...well let's just be honest, it's always big. 
• With Reaves, I craved sweets. Anything with sugar. Anything with carbs. Anything edible. With Baby Boy, I don't have many absurd cravings. The only thing I've really wanted that I had to have was orange juice and [one time], broccoli and eggs (together). 

Naturally, you wonder if it's the opposite gender of your first when your pregnancy is SO different, but back in our minds, we just knew we were going to be an all-girl kind of family. Nick is really good at being a girl dad, and anyone who knows him, knows he loves to dress up just as much as any little girl [he's going to kill me for that]. 

We kept it simple. I need easy. I need effortless. I need minimal stress. No crazy decor. No pricey catering. Just burgers on the grill, beer in the cooler [obvi for everyone else], and our loved ones. Oh and cake...there must always be cake.

Also, my dad is never wrong. He has predicted every gender, correctly, for everyone in and close to our family. He must have some sort of sixth sense. And of course, his spotless ❤record continues - he voted ALL BOY.

God's plans are always so much better than our own. I think blessing us with a boy is just another example of his grace. He knows we can't handle much more sass in our house right now. Looking forward to Baby Boy Keely joining our family in January!

my minivan conundrum

Common question among growing families...

Minivan versus SUV?

I see this question circulate social media daily. For me? There used to be no question about it. No minivan; not now, not ever. I would've taken this to my grave two years ago. I would honestly laugh at my friends who considered buying one and say that this was goodbye to all things cool and they should go ahead and purchase their mom jeans and fanny pack. Interestingly enough, both of which are back in style. 

We have a Toyota Highlander which has a third row, so I figured our first four kids' carseats will fit comfortably. I didn't quite consider the ergonomics of getting them into said carseats. Only one side of our backseat slides forward to allow you to squeeze into the third row... I hope these first two kiddos are old enough to climb back on their own and buckle themselves in, or I'm going to need an athletic trainer for Baby #3. Then again, I'm 30, so time isn't really on my side to become the next American Ninja Warrior. Buckling in my squirmy toddler without banging her head on the top of the car is difficult enough, especially when trying to keep her rear facing as long as possible [she's fine; plenty of brain cells to go around]. I, however, very well may have developed a hernia.

So here's my minivan conundrum. 

The doors. Let's talk about the doors. As horrible as I've always thought minivans to be, I am super envious of those sliding doors. This is probably the best thing the minivan has going for it, in my opinion. I didn't truly come to appreciate that amazing function until I tried locking in a carrier to its base in the first few hours of being a mom. Holding the door open, trying not to bang up the car next to me, while single-handedly lifting 15-25 lbs carefully, quietly, and at just the right angle through a small opening to click it into place...and for the first year (for us) in the middle seat. God forbid the child is sleeping, at which point, I apologize to the car next to us. When choosing between the other car and waking my sleeping infant, I choose to sustain the nap. Every time. I honestly avoided going anywhere while on maternity leave if it meant Nick couldn't go with me. The in and out of a parking lot was overwhelming for this reason. Oh how handy handsfree entry would be. I hear they now have come out with Foot-Swipe Sliding Doors [jaw drops]. Job well done. Gosh how I only wish an SUV would come out with sliding doors. 

Pre-Reaves, I used to hear moms say "oh but it has a built-in vacuum and a cooler." Big deal, I'd say. Back then, my only thought of needing a cooler was to keep my beer cold, and why would I need that built into my car? That's asking for trouble. And the vacuum? Why can't you just pull into QT and pay $1.00 or do it at home? Just clean your car out regularly like everyone else... HA! Because moms have so much free time and all... 

Post-Reaves, about that cooler...

The number of times I'm asked in our 20-minute drive home from daycare for milk, apple juice, oranges, watermelon, popsicles, or yogurt... I would say it totals 20. One request per minute. That cooler = GENIUS and necessary for mama's sanity. 

About that vacuum...

Lord. Have. Mercy. My car can be 100% clean on the way to school. Freshly vacuumed, books/toys/diapers organized. By the time we pull into our driveway at the end of that SAME day, it looks as though I've been living out of it for a week, transporting ten teenagers to and from soccer practice...who decided to have a food fight. How does this happen? How can one tiny human make such a mess? God bless those minivans for their built-in vacuums. I'm sorry for undermining your awesomeness. 

Easy-speak. Who are these people creating this stuff? Well, parents, for sure. Oh my goodness. A built-in microphone that amplifies your voice to passengers in the backseat. If I'm planning on putting kids in the third row, let me warm up those local cords now. Lots of yelling in my future. 

Integrated Window Shades. Seriously? Minivans, you're solving yet another argument for our family. I can't tell you how much money we've spent on trying to find a decent window shade that actually covers the parts of the window where sun shines through. Without fail, sun always manages to peek through, blinding Reaves from all angles...thus a toddler tantrum...thus more demands for snacks. Back to the cooler and vacuum features.

Touchscreen entertainment. We're not big "screen" parents, but desperate times, man...

Infotainment touch screens on the back of each headrest with HDMI and USB options. I'm pretty sure we have to ghetto-rig our iPad to the headrest using cables while utilizing a month's worth of data for Netflix movies when we go on trips.

Stow-n-Go...my mind is so blown, I don't even fully understand this. Some models of minivans have storage systems to store unused seats in underfloor compartments - allowing over 200 seating positions. Is this real? And the Easy Tilt...to allow easy and effortless access to the third row. Well, Highlander, I challenge you. Help a sista out with making this more possible!

Cargo behind the Third Row. There is maybe enough space in my Highlander to fit a flat piece of cardboard behind my third row when it's up. There is no sacrificing cargo space behind a third row in a minivan. I suppose it's unsightly torpedo shape/length is actually quite needed. I'm sure that feature will be at the top of my list of "necessities" when our third child comes along and the third row is being used. 

Ultimately, I love my Highlander, but it's got nothing on all of the above. I still like to ride with my windows down jamming to Ludacris every now and then...I can't do this in a minivan [speaking of judgments]. 

We recently traded Nick's Jeep in for a sedan. During the painful paperwork process, we walked around the floor at the dealership and came across the mac-daddy of all minivans. So mac-daddy, I would've needed a sugar-daddy to afford it. But Nick was intrigued, and that's huge. As parents, we're learning to never say "never." I would have never even considered a minivan, but this season is all about survival as we are about to enter life with two littles. I feel like I'm in the process of crossing over, and I'm embarrassed to admit it, which means I'm not ready to fully commit. I'll just support you minivan moms and admire how efficient your momming game is compared to mine. 

Now if a model comes out with a way to heat up cold coffee, or keep my kids shoes on...I'm sold. Sign me up.

oh baby!

I've been MIA from the blog lately...the past three months to be exact. And for good reason, in typical mom fashion. We have news! Such great news! News that we feel abundantly blessed to be able to share. As most anyone who is friends with us on social media knows, 

WE'RE EXPECTING!!

Photo credit: Amy Clifton Keely Photography

We have known for so long, and are finally cleared to scream it from the mountaintop. Sweet Marian Reaves will be taking on the title of Big Sister in January, and she is super excited...for now. 

Cue the cuteness!

We were pumped to tell our family and friends, but this time, due to various health concerns, we waited. Our journey for baby number 2 wasn't quite as simple as it was when we were trying with Reaves. Reaves was a one stop shop kinda pregnancy. It took us one try, and wanting to be the mother of a basketball team, I naturally thought it would happen just as easily with Babe #2. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. 

We had more difficulty conceiving this time go 'round. After many rounds of bloodwork, a few scans, some tumor talk, and several pass-out spells later, it was ultimately determined I was post-menopausal. There's a punch in the gut right after turning 30. (See previous post for how I handled that transition - hint: not well). My body after having Reaves was confused. Extremely confused. 

After unsuccessfully conceiving naturally for quite some time, and no clear answers from tests results, we ended up doing one round of fertility medication, with the plan of three months before additional testing. Insert God's grace. It worked. 

I have a few good friends who have experienced far worse, and my heart aches for how they must've felt, because for a long time, my heart was broken and hope felt unattainable. During this long process, there was talk of me possibly never being able to have children again, and that hurt. It felt like I was being completely robbed of my "responsibility" as a woman; to bear children. 

I understand too many women, several that I know and love dearly, have struggled more than I have, faced more complicated conception issues than mine, lost pregnancies...children. I am not, and will not, compare my situation to theirs. But to say I didn't at first would be a lie. 

I found myself feeling guilty for hurting. Feeling the expectation to cast fear aside instead of talking to someone, afraid of being considered insensitive to those who have faced harder battles. I tried forcing myself to stay positive and grateful for the child I do have rather than shedding tears over her future sisters and brothers that I so badly wanted in our family. I should be thankful. I have friends who can't have any more children, or any at all. How dare I be sad over my struggle? I felt like my pool of folks to talk to was limited - I told myself, "Only those who haven't struggled. I don't want to sound like a whiny jerk." That's a terrible place to be...those who haven't struggled may not criticize me for being insensitive, but they also couldn't relate and gave me all the feel-goods "it'll all work out," "sure you'll have more kids!" "nothing's wrong, I just know it." I'm not insinuating that those comments are demeaning - sometimes that positivity is helpful. But mostly, I just needed someone who understood my fear, my anxiety over losing what my heart sooo badly desired. 

And then now, how dare I be happy? When I'm surrounded by so much hurt. Just in the last few days, I've talked with three women who have lost their babies in utero, all due around the same time I am. How insensitive am I to be pregnant as I sit here and am devastated for these women having these heartbreaking conversations? 

I have realized lately that just because someone else suffers more than you, doesn't mean your suffering doesn't matter. I don't know if it's our rapidly increasing comparative culture that has pushed this stress of greater than less than, or what, but I'm done with it. I was sad. Super sad. I was hurt. Super hurt. I was scared. Terrified. And I was angry. 

Now I'm grateful. Super grateful. Relieved. Excited. And humbled by the opportunity God has given me to have another child. How dare I not rejoice in Him? This may be our last, or maybe it won't. Who knows...but I will no longer feel guilty. I don't have to choose between being a good friend/confidant over being an excited, expectant mother. I don't have to choose between someone else's struggle and my own. There is no comparison. 

Instead, I stand beside any woman who has struggled, greater than or less than, I have, and hope that if you're a greater than struggler, you will never suppress the feelings of those who have suffered less than you. It's all suffering. Be sensitive, regardless of which end of the spectrum you fall. If you feel less than, don't. Your struggle matters. Your struggle is part of your story, and your story is perfectly written by Our Creator. Rejoice.

We told our families the week we went to the beach with our Keely family. Lucky us, our sister-in-law is an amazing photographer and has captured all of Reaves' big moments on camera. Therefore, we got some amazing shots with her for Baby #2: