Finally, I can feel the tension in my shoulders settle a little and am able to breathe a sigh of relief rather than nausea and the impending ‘effects’ that have been all too familiar to us this week. All three of us have been knocked off our feet with different viruses and strands of the flu. Mine started Sunday night of last week. Nick fell victim to it Tuesday, and Wednesday, Reaves spiked a fever of well over 103 which eventually climbed to 105 by Thursday. Yes mamas, cue anxiety attack. We all three visited our [amazing] doctor and all three tested negative for flu. Unfortunately for us, and the rest of the nation, flu swabs are showing negative results for positive cases of ‘other’ strands this season. Fantastic.
My husband hasn’t been to the doctor in 15+ years. He’s been sick twice since I’ve known him… treatment never included a trip to the doctor; only Alka-Seltzer PM, solitude, and a good nap, which he swears by. However, I do have to admit, if Alka-Seltzer doesn’t actually treat your symptoms…at the very least, it knocks you out so hard you don’t realize you’re uncomfortable, so hey… cheers. For him to be out of work a half day, let alone three days, and agree to see our family doctor…you know it’s bad. I think our doctor was equally surprised to see his name on the schedule.
Me, on the other hand… I’m professionally sick. Like really. I suffered major abdominal issues throughout middle and high school that kept me feeling terrible. I basically keep the immune system of a pregnant woman… [which would make you think pregnancy would’ve been a breeze for me…false]. I catch any and everything, always have sinus issues, and random dizziness and nausea isn’t something that really concerns me because it happens often. I’m lucky I guess, but I've learned how to make it work, get it done, and not let it slow me down. Healthy? Probably not.
So “unknown GI bug, flu-like virus” it is. The details should never be spoken of out loud, so I’ll spare you and just sum it up to say a week of an upset stomach, intense migraines, and a super-sick toddler [and husband] has had me exhausted. We had no clean towels, were already wearing our “laundry day” items on Sunday, and we now all needed clean sheets and toothbrushes. Not to mention:
· I needed to finalize [eh, start] things for a baby shower I hosted for my sister in law this weekend
· I have two presentations [public speaking, yikes] coming due at work for a National Conference
· We start recruiting in a week
· And I have no PTO.
#workingmomprobs
Tension.
I recently finished Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist. If you haven’t read this book, stop reading my post and put it in your Amazon cart. I'll make it easy: click here. It is truly an amazing read.
As part of my 2018 journey to “engage” more, I am trying to implement her simple practice of letting go of perfect, and focus on being present. So when we all three got sick, I stopped. The word “stop” is one I legitimately need to look up in the dictionary every now and then…it just isn’t something I do. I’m too busy [or OCD]. But Shauna has encouraged me that it’s fine to stop. It’s fine for me to choose to cuddle my [not so baby] baby over folding the three loads of laundry scattered along our hallway. It’s fine to leave the dirty dishes in the sink until later so I can spend more time with Reaves while she’s awake. It’s fine. Her words have helped me engage. They’ve helped me live for the present and stop worrying about perfection. It’s uncomfortable sometimes, but refreshing.
So while we were sick, I was present. I was present in our discomfort. I was present in our mess. I was present in the joy that snuck in when fevers settled and jokes were made. I was sick, we were sick, I stopped, we stopped. We rested. Also a word I need to reference with Webster. That’s what the doctor orders…but it’s never an order I’ve taken seriously.
Now, let’s not get crazy…I am just starting this journey, so my present over perfect mission hasn’t been perfected just yet [ha]. My family wasn't forced to use dirty towels, turn our underwear inside out, or sleep on diseased sheets, so hold your judgment. Just rather than selecting a clean, freshly folded towel from the linen closet with its matching wash cloth, we dove through the crinkled clean clothes basket shoved in our laundry room when we mustered up enough energy to take a shower. See the difference? I feel like such a rebel.
Okay, getting back on track. As much as I made the decision to let go of perfect, and be present, for my own health and for the health and emotional well-being of my family this week, I still felt the overwhelming tension of my to-do list. Every day, I still battled with myself before actually making the decision to let things ride. I came home from work yesterday to a completely clean home. Floors mopped, furniture dusted, laundry put away, toys organized, CANDLES burning...[I've said it before, and will say it again, my hubs rocks]. Even still, I feel the weight of the few articles of clothing that's been added to our hamper and the bags that haven't been unloaded from my car from a busy day. So as you can see I still have a long way to go.
Thursday night, I almost let my 2017 habits take over. I briefly became obsessed [and unpleasant to be around] over my decoration and food to do list for my sister in law’s baby shower…something I had been 'planning' for for weeks.
I sat down, did some work, and when Reaves wanted ‘Mommy’, I stopped. Again. Who am I? I went to bed early, with her and Nick, all cuddled up in our bed ready to take on the three hour shifts of administering medicine to her to bring down [and keep down] her 105 degree fever. Despite the anxiety, that moment, her snuggled in between us, combing her daddy’s hair with one hand and squeezing mine with her other…that moment I was present. And it was perfect.
Because I’m flesh, I woke up yesterday morning…relieved our girl’s fever broke, but grumpy that I still had not gotten everything done for my sister in law’s shower…which was today. Procrastination is not something I can tolerate…in anyone, much less myself. I was rude to Nick. A jerk actually. He offered to help…to cut up confetti, to tie bows, to string pom pom garland… I snapped and told him he couldn’t do it 'like I wanted' so he better not touch it while I was at work. Whoa. What a butthole wife. How much worse did I feel when I walked into a completely cleaned house later that day? Ugh, such a butthole.
So finally to get to this point of this post. Stream of consciousness I tell ya.
When I was pregnant with Reaves, I was gifted an audio-book set of thoughts on faith. Kid-friendly devotionals with CDs for the car. I put one of the CDs in months ago [haven’t listened to it since] when Reaves and I were heading home from daycare in hopes of allowing opportunity for her be exposed to biblical truth. Anyone with an almost-two-year-old is probably laughing at me...because let's be real, toddlers. The CD became just another noise in the car - our drives home usually consists of screams, tears, and instant demands, so I turned it off the same day and forgot about it completely.
Yesterday morning, as I was driving to work, after being a butthole wife [and not apologizing], something deep inside of me told me to play the CD. I had honestly forgotten it was even in there, so how strange that I was so prompted to turn it on. I did and the charming British narrator opens with "Talk to Yourself."
How often do we wake up anxious, mad, or upset about something? [everyday] Probably because we are listening to ourselves and the thoughts that are circulating in our minds. Perhaps something happened the day before that has us sad, or we're anxious about something coming up on our schedule...so we're listening to our thoughts...which for me, was a running checklist of what I had not gotten done. Fair enough.
But this charming man went on to ask how often do we talk back to ourselves? Telling ourselves who we are, who God is, versus listening to what is consuming our thoughts. Ultimately, stop listening to yourself, and start talking back. Start preaching the gospel to yourself each morning. Ask yourself what has you so anxious, so upset, or angry...and remind yourself that God is Sovereign over all of it and hope is found only in Him, not in the successful completion of a mile-long to do list.
This week I prayed for God's guidance and for the strength to make it through the sickness, the lists, the stress of not being paid for work days missed. The Holy Spirit urged me to tune my ears to the 3-minute children's lesson on that CD. I all too often ask for God's help...but how often do I do my part? The Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians to take our thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ [10:5]... It's easier for me to be lazy and ask God to show up, when I don't. I ask, but I don't seek. I don't talk back to myself, preach the gospel to myself. I listen to myself, and allow my thoughts to captivate me.
I am constantly amazed at His creativity in how he chooses to connect with us and reveal more of who He is. He also gave my husband a servant heart, which is a blessing to me. A clean house does make me feel better, even though I am working on not letting that control everything else in my life. It's like a good massage for me. It relaxes me. I worked a full day, and was able to come home [to a clean house] and knock out everything on my list, without sacrificing time spent with my family. And the shower ended up being totally fine.
I wish I could say this means I've got it figured out, pat myself on the back, and check this one off of my list of things I need to learn. I really have an issue with checklists. However, knocking my pride down a few pegs [or 10], I know I will battle with this as long as I'm on this side of Heaven. But I find it encouraging that God knows this about me...he actually created me this way. After I turned the CD off, I turned on the radio and "What A Beautiful Name" was playing...I end with these lyrics because they are just so powerful:
"You didn't want Heaven without us,
So Jesus, you brought Heaven down...
My sin was great, Your love was greater
What could separate us now
What a wonderful name it is...
What a wonderful name it is...
The name of Jesus Christ, my King."
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